Sigh... I'm sorry Steve

So yesterday was such a bad day..for the most part.
Tuesday Steven and I spent the whole day Christmas shopping and we had a really good time.
We made plans to go to BestBuy yesterday and I told him to call me on my cell after he got out of class and he said ok.
So I waited about an hour for him to call me yesterday and low and behold no phonecall. I left him a text message and a voicemail.
So I go over to the IT building where all of his theatre friends and they say that he is supposed to be meeting them there.
What on the earth?!
So I go to his room and he is just walking out the door with his guitar in hand.
So I'm like, "where are you going and why didn't you call?"
and he says he is going to the IT building and that he doesn't have money to go to BestBuy.
and we fricken made plans!!
I was so pissed off.
So after I'm done with my final in First Aid I asked him if we could talk later so at dinner we had this super depressing talk and I cried the entire time.
He is like, "I still know you have feelings for me and all that" and i told him how much he hurt me.
He said he forgot about our plans and he forgot to call!
It was like he didn't even feel bad about it.
In less than 12 hours?!
Someone please tell me if this is lying, cause seriously.
Its not the fact that we didn't go to BestBuy. Its the fact that he couldn't even remember to call me and the fact that he made other plans!
I also brought up the whole deal about me,him and Sarah and how I can't take it anymore. There is always tension between the 3 of us because we both strive to get his attention. I have feelings for him and Sarah is an attention whore and flirts like crazy with guys.
I told him how I've tried to see him as just a friend over the last 2 and a half years but I still have feelings for him.
Once you go past a certian physical point you begin to bond with that person and thats what happened to me...and I don't know how to undo it.

I hate how all this has to happen and be talked about right before he leaves.
I didn't want to make things ackward before he left.
I don't even know the next time I will see him again and that breaks my heart.
I'm just afraid that he won't want to call me or see me anymore.
I don't know why I feel that way, maybe because I think about last summer and how he didn't even call me once, not even to break up with me.
I don't think Steven will ever read this but I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything I every did to hurt you or make things weird for you.
and that you are one of my best friends and I love you.

I called my mom yesterday and I cried my eyes out for about half an hour.
I needed to cry though, a real long, hard cry. There was a lot of stuff I needed to get out.
My parents keep telling me that I have to let go of those strings of Steve that are attached to my heart.
I know thats what I have to do but its so hard when you really really care about someone.
It will be easier with him gone but I will miss his company and friendship so much. Its going to be hard letting go of my best friend.
Things just won't be the same here.

I don't know what the future holds for me.
I just have to trust God for a man and thats not an easy thing to do.
I feel like a chapter in my life is closing and a new one will be opening with another new year.
I just wish I didn't have feelings for any guy, my life would be so less complicated....

~Liz~

Matchbook Romance show

Ok, so Sunday night Steven, Gordo, Bret and I all went to Syracuse to go see Armor For Sleep and Matchbook Romance play at Club Tundra.
I def have to go to more shows with Steven now. I should of went to The Early November show last year with him and I regret not going.
Gatsby's American Dream opened for them and they were amazing! (I got the cd of $5 afterwards. Then LoveDrug played and I didn't like them so much.
Armor For Sleep and Matchbook Romance were amazing.
It was such a good show. Steven went into the pit and moshed....I didn't really have the guts to. I was too afraid of getting kicked in the face by the crowd surfers. He was soaked in sweat afterwards (haha, no surprise there).
Then we stayed up wicked late when we got back and watched CKY.
We could barely hear anything because our ears were still ringing like crazy.
Steven got tickets for us on Friday and they ended up being $20, but it was so worth it.

In an hour I am going home for Thanksgiving break and I can't wait.
I really miss my family, enough though its nice here.

Last night Steven, Bret and me stayed up wicked late..as usual.
Steven was tickling me like crazy, until it hurt.
Then he took away my shoe and through it in the elevator. haha, so I had to wait until it came back up. Oh geez, he is so cute.
At 2 am we went to McDonalds and when we got back we watched Old School.

I'm making Steven cookies this week cause they are his favorite. I'm sure he will share with Bret too. I have to catch up with friends from home this week.
Its been too long.
Update more later.

~Liz~

Hmmm....

I just want to know? Do things ever really get better and easier?
When do you know what your supposed to do with your life?
When do you know someone actually really cares about you?
When someone says I love you..do they really mean it?
Will life ever stop being boring...?
It just feels meaningless sometimes...life that is.
I know its not, but its just that I feel like I do the same old thing every day.
Isn't there more to life than this?
Where is the excitement?
I hate feeling alone...I'm surrounded by friends and I have a family that loves me and I seek God all the time yet I feel terribly alone.I feel like I always somehow let my friends down or annoy them...and it seems like nobody ever wants to do something different or exciting.I want to meet someone that will do exciting things with me.....like hike up a mountain, who will have a picnic with me in the park, who will build snow forts with me, who will make home videos with me..the list goes on.
I want him to make me laugh all the time, and hold me when I cry.
Where is this man?
Does he even exist?

I want someone to say that they are a better person because they knew me.
I want to change peoples lives.
I want be somebody to remember.
I want to make some kind of difference in this world.
I want to make people laugh all the time.I want to be in a band and play guitar.
I want to change.... but where do I start?

I'm sick of college, and I'm sick of home(even though I haven't been there in 2 months).I don't want to work next year..I want to go to another school...but where?
Where do I go?
What do I do?
I have no idea what direction to take next in life....and its so frusterating!

Another great day alone in the lab

Hey there,
yes I need to update more, no knew news there.
I'm at work right now, I only work on Fridays, 3:00-9:00
sooooo yeah, I went to the mall with Josh last night and I bought the coolest bag ever!
Its shaped like an electric guitar and it has rhinestones and its shiny!
Ahhhhh, I love it and I have never seen anyone with it so yeah, I feel special.

Also, I dyed my hair black and blond underneath and it looks amazing!
But I have to fix it so there is more black and I want to make the blond like white blond.
I feel so pretty.
It was the first thing I ever really did daring with my hair and I really like it.

So yes, things with me and Steven are good I suppose.
He still isn't himself around me at times, maybe things will never go back to how they were.
He is leaving next semester and it going to be so weird for me here with one of my best friends gone.....but life goes on right?
I'm going to miss him like crazy and it just won't be the same here.
I love him but I have learned that I have to let him go.
We can't be together and he doesn't want to be together.
I've let go of that notion finally, and trust me, it wasn't easy.
I see it now in that if we are ever meant to be together again then it will happen in the far future and if not than God has somebody waaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more amazing in store for me.
..and you know what? thats really exciting!
I've never really been treated like a princess.
I've never really been swept off my feet.
I've never really been called beautiful everyday.
I can't wait to meet him, I really can't..and I hope I'm everything that he is looking for...

~Liz~

Gotta love shoes!

Hey there,
Its amazing! I'm updating!!
You should be proud..
Well...maybe I would update more if my life just happened to be a tad more interesting? Ya know?

So work is going fine, I'm making lots of moola.
You know what I did today?
I went to the Waterloo shopping center with my mom and grandma and I gots lots and lots of stuff.
I bought 4 pairs of flip flops and one pair of shoes and 2 purses and the list goes on.
..and I only spent around $70
It was awesome..I wish I would have had more time though, seriously..
I swear, you can never have too many clothes and shoes..hahaha, ok ,ok, you can have too much.

Ok, so ya, Steven still hasn't called me!! Rar! I swear..will I even get a call this summer? LAME!
Oh well, I won't let it ruin my summer, thats for sure.
I'd would just like to hear from him..you know?

So the moon is full tonight and the moonlight is shining through my window. How romantic!
Too bad there wasn't a someone special here to share it with.
Will there ever be a someone special?
I have my doubts, things aren't looking very nice in the guy department for Liz.
I've almost given up on men, it just feels so pointless.
To even have feelings for someone just feels like a waste of time, because it never turns out good for me.
Ah well, all this talk of lonliness is just going to make me sad again.
Its hard enough as it is...

So I'll make it all better by hanging out with lots of friends right?
WRONG! I haven't seen a friend in over a week...now thats sad.
Everyone is just so busy and I'm so busy with work..man I hate it.
I feel socially drained.
What is a girl to do?
I think I need to call some people and see whats up.
I miss my friends so much...

Oh yeah! and GUESS WHAT?!
I bought a really nice digital camera so now I will be able to put pictures of me and friends in here! woo! but I have to wait until it comes in the mail which will probably will sometime next week.

You don't have any idea how excited I am!
Well, sleep time for me.

~Peace Out~ Liz

Trying to heal

Hey there,
I should update more, I know I know..but I have been very busy now that I work at Walmart.
They have been giving me lots of hours but I need the money and seriously what else am I going to do with my time?

Now about the whole Steven thing.
Yeah, about 3 weeks ago he IMs me and basically says that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and how he can only see himself hurting me more than he already had.
He couldn't even call and tell me that.....how lame.
For all of you that didn't know, we basically were dating the last 2 weeks of college.
It was wonderful and everything was great and he is so foolish for letting everything go......but I can't change how he feels.
He told me he would call and he still hasn't!
I've finally come to the conclusion that he is avoiding the whole situation and that is his reason for not calling..because he is afraid that I will bring everything up.
He doesn't want to face the problem but rather dodge it.
But really, I just want to catch up on things with him.
He doesn't respond to my e-mails either.
Its so painful too, because he was one of my best friends, I really don't think I deserve this.
All I'm asking him for is friendship...I mean he said of course we would be friends, but doesn't it work both ways?
Gosh, don't think I'm running back to him in the fall either, because it isn't even worth it!
Its just so hard because I gave him my heart and I felt like he just ran it over and used me.
I'm not sure what to do now, of course I'm going on with my life.
But to be honest, this summer hasn't been very fun so far.
For the first month I was sick with something that just kept getting worse (thank God its finally gone) and now it seems like all I do is work work work. I need to see friends more, I just feel so empty. I mean, I've been praying and seeking God but I still feel lonely.
I still have the strong desire to be loved and cared by a guy.
Its painful to think that maybe Steven never cared at all.
How do you know what is real and what is pretend?
I wish life could be less confusing, but I guess thats just life.

~Liz~

Missing you :-*

Hey there,
How am I going to make it through the summer?
Its already been rough and lonely.
I got to see Martha twice last week and that was nice.
I missed her, I really did.
I'm trying to find a job and its kinda frusterating...
My hair smells like smoke from the bonfire at the family picnic that I went to.
I'm not really used to that smell at all.
Wooha fun I guess.
All I can say is that I want to get out of this house!
Ethan and Liam are driving me insane!
I'm not used to having little kids around all the time, especially ones that talk back and whine all the time (...cough* Liam).
Not to mention my dad has been on my case about everything....I swear, sometimes I think I can never please my parents no matter what I do...
Anyone else feel like this?
Well, it totally sucks, thats for sure.
I wish I could get my own place, in Syracuse or something..I like it there.
But there is just no way that I could afford my own place at this point in my life...oh well, I guess I'll just have to make it through the summer and get a job as soon as I can.

So yeah, I've talked to alot of people from college online but it just isn't the same.
I miss everyone sooo much... I can't wait until fall semester begins.

I talked to Steven several times online but we haven't talked on the phone yet.
I don't know what the deal between us is.
I tried to get a clear answer but all I got was confusion.
I think he is still hurting from past relationships....I wish I could help..
I care about him so much, I wish this could be easy.
I'd like to see him this summer, I really would.
Steven, I'm missing you like crazy..... :-*

~Peace Out~ Liz

Shopping day with Steven

Hey there,
Well, I'm finally home for the summer.
I can't say its very exciting to be home though.
I already miss my friends like crazy...how am I going to make it through the summer?
Well anyway, my last week at college was a blast.
On Tuesday I went to Syracuse with Cassy, Erin, Brandon and Jason (as well as the other people that will be living in the house) to look at another 'house' kinda like the one that Cassy and Brandon will be living in.
I am still very ify about the whole thing.
Yes, it would be a better environment but my heart is not there at all.
I really think that Yu needs me, she really needs a true friend. Someone to be there for her.
I heard her crying on the phone earlier in the week and it made me so sad.
I think the whole 'house' thing is a fun idea but honestly i would much rather do something like that when I am done with college.
Erin really wants to be in the house and Jason thinks otherwise.

So yeah, wed was the best day!!
Me and Steven had picked up our paychecks on Tuesday so on wed we left to go to the mall a little after 2:00pm
I had sooo much fun the entire day.
He is seriously the best guy to shop with....he waited in every store while I tried on clothes and he didn't complain once.
The cashier in Aero whispered to me that he was a keeper. Awww
Going to Aeropostale was the best cause we tried on clothes at the same time and showed each other (not to mention the super deals in there).
For lunch we shared Chinese and it was sooooo good.
Then we shopped a ton more.
We planned on going to a somewhat fancy dinner together but I was still full from lunch so we went to Friendly's instead.
We got a big platter with different food on it and we shared it and for dessert Steve insisted that we get the 5 scoop icecream sundae with 3 toppings.
MMmmmmm..let me tell you, that was super yummy.
And.... after all that craziness we went to Wal-mart and got some stuff.
Yu looked sad before we left so I decided to buy her a friendship necklace and Steve bought her candy.
We gave the stuff to her when we got back and seeing her face light up was the best thing ever.
I love making people happy like that, it gives you one of the best feelings inside.

Thursday I hung out with Steve most of the day and at 6 I went to my Art Appreciation class and I gave my presentation. Shana said that I did well and that I looked like I was well-prepared, thank God!
Later that night Me, Steven, Shaun, Erin (other one), Yu, and Danielle all went to the movies and saw Star Wars 3. Woo! It was such a good movie. There were so many people there, I'm surprised that they weren't all sold out.

So Friday was a tough day. I spent most of the day with steven and packing.
After lunch Steve and I ran into Cassy and Brandon and let me tell you I have never seen Cassy more happy in my entire life.
She took me aside and basically told me that Brandon told her that he wants to marry her.
Woo! I am soooo happy for her, they are so good together.
So we sat down and talked for awhile (the 4 of us) and then we said our goodbyes to Cassy and Brandon.


So yeah, I didn't know I was going to have so much stuff when I was done packing and I'll let you all know, it barely fit in the car.
I can't believe that me and my mom got everything to fit.
Hauling everything down from the second floor wasn't much fun either.
So yeah, I finally introduced Steven to my mom.
Yes, my mom has never met Steven Tarnow in the 2 years that I have known him, crazy, I know.
I think she liked him and she said that he seemed like a nice guy.
It took me forever to say goodbye to Steven.
It was so hard to do, I'm surprised that I didn't cry.
I care about him so much, I hope we get to hang out together over the summer.
We talked about going to Myrtle beach, that would be the best.
All I can say is that he better call me lots, haha...cause I already miss him so much.

Well, here I am now, sitting at home, bored outta my mind.
I wish I was at college now, isn't that sad?
I should be glad that I'm home, but I just kinda wish I could be with all my friends again...

~Peace Out~ Liz

The Arts Festival

Hey there,
Well, I was going to continue to update everyone on this week.
So the day after Steven's birthday me and Steve planned to go to the mall after we got our paychecks at 2.
So I skipped my class and we had so much fun.
Steve got a new pair of DVS shoes which are super stellar (he got them for $40) and I got a cool green shirt.
I got to work just in time at 6pm, which was good.

Wed night Rob came up again and at 3 in the morning me, steve, riki, marissa, yu, jorden and rob all went to Denny's.
We didn't end up going to bed until about 6 or 7 in the morning.
Geez, I need to get more sleep.
So yesterday when I woke up my stomach really hurt.
I hardly ate anything all day, everyone else that ate complained about their stomach hurting too....so what does that tell us?
That Denny's is evil!!!

So I went to my class at 2 but I left early cause my stomach hurt.
So I helped Steve, Rob, Riki, Shaun and Marissa take all the equipment down to the IT theater.
So I watched them set up and practice, because they were going to perform first at the Arts Festival.
Me, Marliana and Mike all sat right up front and had awesome seats.
There weren't a whole lot of people there but it was so awesome.
Steve, Rob, Shaun and Riki did such an awesome job.
It was very cool.
Marissa did a solo song and she was amazing.
I love her voice!
Steve performed acoustic later, after some other people performed and he did really well.
I was so proud of him.
I love it when he sings...
He had to leave at 7 because he had work.
So all the rest of us went to the Night Hawk at 8 because we all missed dinner at 7.
But yeah, Rob left after Steven got out of work.
I didn't end up going to bed until 5 and now I am totally feeling it.

So yeah, there is my fun, exciting week in a nutshell.
What am I going to do when I go home? seriously though....
Speaking of which, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow and I can't wait.
I'm not sure how to get it done though.
I can't wait to see my family.
I miss them all so much...

I'm am super duper hungry right now...I hope Josh comes soon and brings me a sandwich..that would be amazing..
I'm gonna go back to doing nothing at all..

~Peace Out~ Liz

Good Times

Hey,
So yeah, I should be updating everyday...I know
So yeah I have so much to tell.
I didn't go home last weekend because my friend Marliana's ex-boyfriend, Rob was coming up and I really wanted to meet him.
He plays drums and he is playing with Steve, Shaun, Riki and Marissa in the Arts Festival, which is tonight!
Well last Friday he came up and I listened to them practice for awhile which was cool cause they sound wicked good and then we all went outside.
We all went down to the big blue mat which is by the track and jumped on it for awhile...it was seriously fun.
Then we all went back and stayed up till like 6 in the morning.
Then on Saturday I couldn't get anyone up but Steve and Rob but Steve had a class so me and Rob went to brunch.
It wasn't really awkward though because he is a wicked cool guy and very easy to talk to.
So we spend the entire afternoon together just hanging out and talking.
Then everyone went to dinner at 5 and we had a blast.
Its so great that I feel I can be myself now.
I really can.
Its really cool that I'm friends with everyone now and I don't feel rejected.
I think its just me opening up and not caring as much as to what people think.

Sunday I went to the place that Cassy and Brandon are going to live next year.
It looks like a cool place and the people we met there are really cool.
I'm so confused in the whole matter though.
I have plans to live on campus but Cassy and Brandon really want me to live off campus with them.
My problem with this is that I don't have a car, which would mean I wouldn't ezactly get to go and come back when I want to and that I would have to carry my stupid art portfolio all day.
The other thing is that I go back to my room alot (I'm always forgetting things in my room) and I wouldn't be able to do that.
The thing that bothers me the most is that the house (its actually an old convent)is put together by the catholic community. They say the place is for Catholic-Christians but I feel kinda funny about the whole Catholic thing because it is so different from what I believe.
I've been talking to my parents about it and they are kind of ify.
They want to find out my information about the Catholic church that is located next to the house.
I'm going to talk about it with them and my pastor when I go home with weekend.
I gotta keep praying about it too.

But yeah, I was the first one to wish Steven a Happy Birthday.
We were in the basement study room (he was doing hw) and I turned to him and said, "you know what? happy 21st birhday steven!"
then shaun came in and I told him it was Steve's birthday and he was like, "Happy Birthday! was I the first?", so i said "nope, that was me" ..and shaun justs looks and the floor and sighs...haha
So yeah, Steve had dinner with his family and later that night when i got out of my class steve and I spent at least 2 hours in Wal-mart which was actually really fun.
Then we hung out and it was fun :)

Well, I'll update more later..gotta go to class now

~Peace Out~ Liz

Nothing to do

Hey there,
Today was so boring......I can't even begin to tell you..
I just sat around and listened to music and such.
The weather was dreary too so that didn't help.

I went to bed kind of early last night because there was nothing to do.
Steven, Ricki, Marissa and Shaun all left yesterday around 7pm to go to Ricki's house and practice and record the songs they will be doing for the arts festival which is in May.
They are gonna do such a great job, I know it.
Marissa will even be singing, and she has such an amazing voice.
They still haven't gotten back yet and I'm not sure when they will.
I figure I'm going to go to bed early.
Why stay up and wait?
I highly doubt that Steven wants to see me anyway.
He never acts like he does...
He acted so annoyed with me the other night.
I just felt bad being in his room.
That wasn't cool... shouldn't someone feel comfortable around their friends?
Ga!! I just want to scream, I hate this situation and I keep blaming myself for everything.
I guess I'm not cool enough or something....

But anywho, I can't wait until the summer.
I miss my family so much, I can't even begin to tell you.
I miss the twins so much. I want to take them outside and play with them.
They are soooo cute.

I'm going home next weekend.
Sister Debbie is having a baby shower and I'm gonna go with my mom.
I want to get a haircut so bad!
I'm gonna color my hair darker too.
I'll look stellar for sure.

Woo! The new Acceptance cd comes out in 2 days and I can't wait! I've been waiting for that cd for awhile now.
I listened to the E-card and it sounded amazing.
Hopefully it will be in stock when I actually get to a store...

Well, I might go listen to music or go study or something.
Then I think I'm off to bed for the night.
Fill ya in later.

~Lots of Love~ Liz

Doing better

Hey there,

Woo! I feel so happy.
I've just been waking up every morning, thanking God that I'm alive and breathing.
I'm gonna try to have a positive attitude no matter how difficult the situation.
The situation with Steven hasn't really changed.
Sometimes I really don't think he cares about our friendship.
He has been going up to Marissa's room constantly and we haven't really 'hung out' in over a week.
Everytime I see him lately its like he doesn't even really want to see me..and that hurts.
Cause we were best friends, and now it doesn't really feel that way.
I talked to him today after he got out of work and he looked so bummed out.
He said something obnoxious so I threw my sunglasses at him and he looked super pissed.
So I told him to lighten up.
He said he was having a crappy day and I felt bad and told him I was sorry.
I'm just not gonna worry about Steven that much anymore cause I'm doing my part of the friendship, its up to him to show whether he cares or not.
I don't want to play this silly game forever.
I still care about him, I always will.
He will always have a place in my heart and I will always love him as a friend.
But friendships work both ways, its just feels like I'm the only one trying sometimes....

But anyway...

I went to see Cassy tonight and it was awesome to catch up on stuff with her.
She is such an amazing friend.
I am so happy for her and Brandon.

I'm really gonna try my best not to focus on being single right now, cause that just brings me down.
I'm gonna focus on building my friendships and doing my schoolwork, it will keep my mind off things I can't have right now.

Well, I gotta go do some homework then its off to bed for me!

~Peace Out~ Liz

Am I that bad?

Hey there.
My weekend sucked!
I think it was the most boring weekend I've ever had.
Steve didn't want to hang out Saturday night cause I think he just wanted some alone time, so I just sat around and did nothing for hours.

Yesterday I cried alot.
I cried because I'm lonely.
I cried because of Steve.
(why does Steven Tarnow have to make me so happy one day and dissapointed in myself the next!!!??)
I cried because I can't stand myself sometimes.
I cried because I wish I felt special.
I cried.
I needed to get everything out.

I feel like their is this huge burden on my shoulders.
I feel sooooo unhappy, just cause I want to be with someone.
Dude, why does it have to hurt so badly?
You can tell someone that they don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend but that doesn't take away the pain.
They are still gonna want to be with someone.

I've been trying to do homework but I can't concentrate....
My head feels like its spinning.

I'm so happy for Cassy.
She is truly being blessed right now and all her hard waiting is paying off. Its so nice to see her happy again.
I remember seeing her months ago when she was super stressed out and looked sick.
I'm so proud of her and I love her dearly.

You know what?
Despite how I'm feeling, I do feel pretty today.
My hair looks stellar and I feel kinda thin.
Its just nice to feel that way sometimes.

So yeah, I haven't talked to Steven today.
I thought maybe its for the best.
I think he is getting sick of me and I don't want to annoy him.
Crap, I don't know what to do....

I wish there was a place I could go to escape from everything, just for one day.
Just breathe in fresh air and think about things, you know, really think about things.
And I could talk to God about everything and anything.
But I can't be alone here at college, and i can't be alone at home.
So I guess for now, I could just be alone in my mind....just me and God.

~Liz~

Hating this!

Hey,

Ok, ok, I said I would tell you about the American Idol contest.
Well my friend Erin sang and she did an amazing job, so she won first place.
Cassy was supposed to sing while Steve played guitar but she got too nervous so she decided not too.
After all the people that had signed up went several people started pointing to Steve and asking him to perform.
So he finally agreed and went up to the front.
He just made up most of the song on the spot and he did pretty good.
Afterwards they announced that he won 4th place!
Woo, I knew he would win something.
He kept telling me how bad he did and how nervous he was but I thought he did a good job.
Yesterday he gave his prize to Cassy, that was really nice of him.

So anywho, last night me and Steve were gonna order Chinese food but we couldn't find any menus.
So we went over to Butterfield and decided to go visit Cassy.
We ran into somebody that told us that she was in Brandon's room.
So we went in there for awhile and hung out.
Then we starting talking about God and the Bible.
It was weird talking about everything in front of Steve but you know what? I didn't care.
So after awhile we left to go order some food.
So we had like 10 left while we were going over the menu in his room and then suddenly Marissa walks in.
She asked us if we wanted to go to Denny's and I said I had been there the last 2 nights in a row.
Then Marissa got this really angry look on her face and ran out and of course Steve went and chased after her.
By the time he finally came back (which was over 5 min of me just sitting there by myself)it was already too late to order any food.
I think he did it on purpose cause he wanted to go to Denny's.
So then 2 minutes later Marissa calls his cell phone and then he tells her that I don't want to go.
So they get off the phone and he is like, "I'm going to Denny's"
Then he kept asking me to go with them.
I didn't really want to go but I decided to, so I went and got my coat then I sat down in the lounge and waited while everybody upstairs hung out and talked for like 15 mintues.
Then Steve came back down on second floor and I asked him if they were still going to Denny's.
He said that he didn't know and he thought he was going to order pizza instead.
So he went to his room and ordered.
Ten minutes later everyone comes down to second floor and Marissa is like, "Steven, you not gonna come!?"
She looked really upset and I felt super bad.
So then everyone left and Steve was just kinda sitting there looking bummed out.
So of course its all my fault.
Gosh, he could of went!
So we are just sitting there and I'm trying to make conversation but he isn't saying much of anything and then he layed down and shut his eyes.
So I got up and left and then came back.
So when the pizza finally came we both had some.
I gave him some extra money for the pizza just cause he buys me enough food as it is.
Then he layed down in his bed and shut his eyes while I just stood there!
I'm like, "umm..I feel really dumb just standing here"
What the heck?
So I kept asking him if he was going to bed and he was like, "I think so..."
So I said goodnight and went back out into the lougne.
I went to see if his light was on under his door 30 minutes later and sure enough they were.
It was so obvious that he wasn't really going to bed, that he just didn't want to see me.
My goodness, he could of just told me that he wanted to be alone rather than just try to play it off and ignore me!!
I'm so hurt right now.
My mom called this morning and I started crying over the phone.
I don't want to be annoying to anyone and apparently Steve finds me annoying or something.
I hate it here, I hate it.
Boys make me so sad.
I really don't think I will ever have a boyfriend.
My goodness, it should have happened by now!
I'm 20 freaking years old!!
I got my first kiss in college, that is so lame.
I feel so lame, so immature.
I can't see any guy truly loving me.

Sometimes I just wish I was a little kid again, you know?
No worries about having a boyfriend, or falling in love, or if I'm pretty or thin enough.
I just played Barbies then and hung out with friends and rode bikes.
It was the best of times.
Never wish your childhood away, cause you never really get it back.

I just want to make someone happy.
I'm gonna go lay down.

~Peace Out~ Liz

Pissed

Hey there.
So yeah, I'm here sitting at work.
Nobody is here but me.
I know I haven't updated in awhile.
I guess I just didn't feel like it..
I'm super angry.
I asked Steve to go to dinner with me and when we get there he sits down with a bunch of his friends and I don't really mind that much.
Then he doesn't even talk to me the entire time.
I felt completely stupid sitting there not saying a word, sitting with a bunch of people that I barely know.
So about 5 minutes later I get up and steve asks me if I'm gonna go to another table and I said "no, i'm going back to the dorms".
so he has this sad face and I tell him that i'll see him later.
gar...i swear, hardly anybody on this planet really cares about me.
I think Steve picks on me so much because he wants to see my reaction. He gets a goog laugh at seeing how angry I get at him.
He even admitted to doing that last semester.
What kind of a friend does that?
Earlier today he told me I was CHEAP because I wanted to win an IPOD.
Umm...ok
How does that make me cheap?
Then he said he was just kidding....whatever Steven....
I HATE being treated like this.
One day he will be this super sweet guy that I adore and the next day he will be this super jerk and I feel like punching him.
Seriously now, it just isn't fair.
But life isn't fair now is it?

I'm sick of my major.....illustration.
I hate drawing now, I completely suck...I know people tell me otherwise but compared to professionals I truly suck.
I honestly can't see myself getting any better.
I try drawing and everything just comes out looking like crap.
It makes me sad because it has really made me wonder what on earth I am doing here at MVCC....
Am I wasting 3 years of my life?
I have no idea what to do with my life.
My friends say to take it one day at a time.
It gets old doing that, its scary to think that I might not ever really get anywhere in life.
What on earth am I going to do after I graduate?
Go to another stupid school with not really any goals?!!
Geez..i'm so stupid.
I'm indecisive and loud and annoying.
I feel like a stupid emo girl right now.
I'm sorry that I'm complaning and venting but I guess that is what this journal thing is for.

I'm sick of feeling inferior...I don't like feeling that way.
I was doing so good and lately it just feels like everything is crashing down.
I just want to know that I have some kind of purpose in life.
That I mean something to somebody.

I'm gonna go read or something...

~Peace Out~ Liz

Bored..and cold

I hate it here.
I feel so alone, and I can't stand it.
My room is freezing because no heat is coming out of the heaters.
I'm sitting here in my dorm room with my winter jacket on.
How terribly sad...
I'm trying to decide if I should go to bed early or not.

So I went iceskating today with Steve, and Danielle, and Yu, and Erin, and Jason and a whole bunch of other people that live on campus.
We rode a bus there and it was fun.
The school made us lunches and it was cool.
The only thing I hated was that there were too many little kids there and they were in the way.
Yu skated really well for it being her first time on the ice.

I wish I wasn't so prude...ok maybe I'm not prude..but I feel prude.
The last person I kissed was Steven..and that was last year after spring break.
..and I feel dumb, cause I'm still a virgin and all..I feel so weird.
Everybody talks about how great sex is and I hate it.
I think that people don't think I want sex or something.
But actually I've been wanting to have sex for a long time now.
Gosh, I can't wait....well ok, I've already waited 20 years so lets just say that I'm excited about it.
But at the same time I'm thinking I would probably be very nervous...but I'm sure everybody is their first time.
You know?
Its just been so long since I've been kissed and I need some physical contact.
I don't want it to be with just some random boy though.
I'm just not like that, I'm not that kind of girl.
I want to cuddle, I miss cuddling so bad.
Its the best feeling...to have someone hold you in their arms.
(sigh)
I've been feeling really depressed lately.
Its hard being all alone.
I suppose things will get better.
Hopefully....

Well, I might go to bed now.
I'm bored outta my mind.
..and obviously none of my friends will be coming over..

BIG SURPRIZE! ...they NEVER do..

Peace Out ~Liz~

All Alone

Hey there,
Yay! My dad got my internet to work in my dorm room....that makes me happy.
Valentine's Day was alright I guess.
I really wasn't that upset.
I gave cards to alot of friends and I made cookies for all my guy buddies.
Deep down there was still that desire to spend that day with someone amazing.....
..I'm not sure if I will ever spend a Valentine's Day with someone...
I hate it..I really do..

I just got out of class (Art Appreciation) and that test wasn't fun.
I should have studied more...
Before class I saw a girl I went to highschool with (one of my best friend's sister) and she obviously was now dating a guy that I had seen her with last year.
They kept on kissing and hugging close while they were sitting down and it was totally killing me and making me extremely jealous.
Dude, I need physical contact!
I'm 20 years old and my hormones are raging...this so isn't cool..
What is wrong with me!?? Seriously..I just don't know.
I saw the most gorgeous guy today...in fact, I keep seeing him.
Maybe its a sign..prolly not though
I wanna talk to him, but what do I say?
"Hello, I'm Liz"
ha, no

So now I just want to cry.
I just want to crawl into a hole and cry my eyes out.
Yes, I am thankful for all my friends but I need somebody closer.
You can have all the friends in the world and still be lonely.
I want to be in love so bad.
I feel so sad..so empty.
I keep praying for this guy..and he is out there somewhere..I think
I just don't know anymore.

And Steve has been a jerk lately.
Never comes to see me ever and I think he really likes Marissa.
Not like there is anything wrong with him liking Marissa...I just wish I knew that he wanted to hang out with me too..considering we are good friends..
'sigh'..I just don't get it

I miss home, I miss my family.
I just wish my mom was here. To just hold me while I cry.
I'm trying to look on the bright side, really I am.
I'll be ok...

I'll update more while I'm working On Friday afternoon.

Peace Out ~Liz~

Hey look, I'm at work now

Hey everyone.
No, I still do not have the internet in my dorm room computer.
Actually I'm at work right now, you heard me...I have a job.
I work at the art computer lab in the AB building as a lab monitor.
Today will be crazy..I have to be in here from 3 until 9
KILLER! I know, but basically its like I'm getting paid to sit here and go on the computer and watch people.
Ha, cool job...I know.

So college has been good so far this semester.
I've made alot of new friends and thats cool.
Annie has a new roommate (again, ha) and her name is Yu (spelling?) and she is from Japan.
She is like the cutest thing I swear!
She is so nice and she is very pretty.
She really wants to get better at speaking English but I guess it will just take time and practice.
I met one of her friends today.
I can't remember how to pronounce her name but she was really pretty and very nice.
She seemed to know more English than Yu.
I really enjoyed talking with them today, it was the first time I acutally really sat down and had a conversation with Japanese students.
Yay! I guess you could say I have Japanese friends now..how cool is that?

My classes are going pretty well.
Environmental Science and Art Appreciation are the worst.
They both go from 6 until 8:50.....blarg
I hate long classes because its so hard to just sit there for a couple of hours and listen to somebody talk about something that really isn't quite that interesting.
Honestly guys..it sucks.
Oh well, I only have the classes once a week so I suppose it isn't the end of the world.
My art classes are going well too.
Figure Illustration is the best...its just such a fun class.
I'm sad though because after this semester Amy, Lynsey, Flo, Alissa and Becah won't be here anymore.
They will be graduating.
I'm gonna miss them all so much.
They have become my buddies, especially Amy.
She is such a sweetheart.

I haven't had much luck with boys lately.....
And I still have the same problem as last semester....
......nobody comes and visits me in my room.
Dude! I hate it so much.
I asked Steve last night why he never comes over and he said it was mostly due to the fact that Shana makes him feel uncomfortable..
Grr....Gordo said he feels the same way.
Dude, I miss Cassy....

I am so LONELY!
Yes, I know you prolly hear this in every entry but its true!
I'm trying to wait patiently but seriously now...its just taking forever.
I haven't really had a good long cry in awhile but I kinda did last week.
I was all by myself and watching a show where this girl had this awesome boyfriend and it just made me think....."I want that...I want it so bad!". Then I just starting crying.
Why is it so painful to watch stuff like that?
Is there an amazing guy out there for me somewhere!?

Please keep me in your prayers...I really need some help dealing with feeling so alone.

Oh yeah, and Terri...I really want to call you but I can't call long distance from my dorm room.
My mom said that you sent me a letter but I haven't been home to read it yet. Miss you :)

~Peace Out~ Liz