Nothing to do

Hey there,
Today was so boring......I can't even begin to tell you..
I just sat around and listened to music and such.
The weather was dreary too so that didn't help.

I went to bed kind of early last night because there was nothing to do.
Steven, Ricki, Marissa and Shaun all left yesterday around 7pm to go to Ricki's house and practice and record the songs they will be doing for the arts festival which is in May.
They are gonna do such a great job, I know it.
Marissa will even be singing, and she has such an amazing voice.
They still haven't gotten back yet and I'm not sure when they will.
I figure I'm going to go to bed early.
Why stay up and wait?
I highly doubt that Steven wants to see me anyway.
He never acts like he does...
He acted so annoyed with me the other night.
I just felt bad being in his room.
That wasn't cool... shouldn't someone feel comfortable around their friends?
Ga!! I just want to scream, I hate this situation and I keep blaming myself for everything.
I guess I'm not cool enough or something....

But anywho, I can't wait until the summer.
I miss my family so much, I can't even begin to tell you.
I miss the twins so much. I want to take them outside and play with them.
They are soooo cute.

I'm going home next weekend.
Sister Debbie is having a baby shower and I'm gonna go with my mom.
I want to get a haircut so bad!
I'm gonna color my hair darker too.
I'll look stellar for sure.

Woo! The new Acceptance cd comes out in 2 days and I can't wait! I've been waiting for that cd for awhile now.
I listened to the E-card and it sounded amazing.
Hopefully it will be in stock when I actually get to a store...

Well, I might go listen to music or go study or something.
Then I think I'm off to bed for the night.
Fill ya in later.

~Lots of Love~ Liz

Doing better

Hey there,

Woo! I feel so happy.
I've just been waking up every morning, thanking God that I'm alive and breathing.
I'm gonna try to have a positive attitude no matter how difficult the situation.
The situation with Steven hasn't really changed.
Sometimes I really don't think he cares about our friendship.
He has been going up to Marissa's room constantly and we haven't really 'hung out' in over a week.
Everytime I see him lately its like he doesn't even really want to see me..and that hurts.
Cause we were best friends, and now it doesn't really feel that way.
I talked to him today after he got out of work and he looked so bummed out.
He said something obnoxious so I threw my sunglasses at him and he looked super pissed.
So I told him to lighten up.
He said he was having a crappy day and I felt bad and told him I was sorry.
I'm just not gonna worry about Steven that much anymore cause I'm doing my part of the friendship, its up to him to show whether he cares or not.
I don't want to play this silly game forever.
I still care about him, I always will.
He will always have a place in my heart and I will always love him as a friend.
But friendships work both ways, its just feels like I'm the only one trying sometimes....

But anyway...

I went to see Cassy tonight and it was awesome to catch up on stuff with her.
She is such an amazing friend.
I am so happy for her and Brandon.

I'm really gonna try my best not to focus on being single right now, cause that just brings me down.
I'm gonna focus on building my friendships and doing my schoolwork, it will keep my mind off things I can't have right now.

Well, I gotta go do some homework then its off to bed for me!

~Peace Out~ Liz

Am I that bad?

Hey there.
My weekend sucked!
I think it was the most boring weekend I've ever had.
Steve didn't want to hang out Saturday night cause I think he just wanted some alone time, so I just sat around and did nothing for hours.

Yesterday I cried alot.
I cried because I'm lonely.
I cried because of Steve.
(why does Steven Tarnow have to make me so happy one day and dissapointed in myself the next!!!??)
I cried because I can't stand myself sometimes.
I cried because I wish I felt special.
I cried.
I needed to get everything out.

I feel like their is this huge burden on my shoulders.
I feel sooooo unhappy, just cause I want to be with someone.
Dude, why does it have to hurt so badly?
You can tell someone that they don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend but that doesn't take away the pain.
They are still gonna want to be with someone.

I've been trying to do homework but I can't concentrate....
My head feels like its spinning.

I'm so happy for Cassy.
She is truly being blessed right now and all her hard waiting is paying off. Its so nice to see her happy again.
I remember seeing her months ago when she was super stressed out and looked sick.
I'm so proud of her and I love her dearly.

You know what?
Despite how I'm feeling, I do feel pretty today.
My hair looks stellar and I feel kinda thin.
Its just nice to feel that way sometimes.

So yeah, I haven't talked to Steven today.
I thought maybe its for the best.
I think he is getting sick of me and I don't want to annoy him.
Crap, I don't know what to do....

I wish there was a place I could go to escape from everything, just for one day.
Just breathe in fresh air and think about things, you know, really think about things.
And I could talk to God about everything and anything.
But I can't be alone here at college, and i can't be alone at home.
So I guess for now, I could just be alone in my mind....just me and God.

~Liz~

Hating this!

Hey,

Ok, ok, I said I would tell you about the American Idol contest.
Well my friend Erin sang and she did an amazing job, so she won first place.
Cassy was supposed to sing while Steve played guitar but she got too nervous so she decided not too.
After all the people that had signed up went several people started pointing to Steve and asking him to perform.
So he finally agreed and went up to the front.
He just made up most of the song on the spot and he did pretty good.
Afterwards they announced that he won 4th place!
Woo, I knew he would win something.
He kept telling me how bad he did and how nervous he was but I thought he did a good job.
Yesterday he gave his prize to Cassy, that was really nice of him.

So anywho, last night me and Steve were gonna order Chinese food but we couldn't find any menus.
So we went over to Butterfield and decided to go visit Cassy.
We ran into somebody that told us that she was in Brandon's room.
So we went in there for awhile and hung out.
Then we starting talking about God and the Bible.
It was weird talking about everything in front of Steve but you know what? I didn't care.
So after awhile we left to go order some food.
So we had like 10 left while we were going over the menu in his room and then suddenly Marissa walks in.
She asked us if we wanted to go to Denny's and I said I had been there the last 2 nights in a row.
Then Marissa got this really angry look on her face and ran out and of course Steve went and chased after her.
By the time he finally came back (which was over 5 min of me just sitting there by myself)it was already too late to order any food.
I think he did it on purpose cause he wanted to go to Denny's.
So then 2 minutes later Marissa calls his cell phone and then he tells her that I don't want to go.
So they get off the phone and he is like, "I'm going to Denny's"
Then he kept asking me to go with them.
I didn't really want to go but I decided to, so I went and got my coat then I sat down in the lounge and waited while everybody upstairs hung out and talked for like 15 mintues.
Then Steve came back down on second floor and I asked him if they were still going to Denny's.
He said that he didn't know and he thought he was going to order pizza instead.
So he went to his room and ordered.
Ten minutes later everyone comes down to second floor and Marissa is like, "Steven, you not gonna come!?"
She looked really upset and I felt super bad.
So then everyone left and Steve was just kinda sitting there looking bummed out.
So of course its all my fault.
Gosh, he could of went!
So we are just sitting there and I'm trying to make conversation but he isn't saying much of anything and then he layed down and shut his eyes.
So I got up and left and then came back.
So when the pizza finally came we both had some.
I gave him some extra money for the pizza just cause he buys me enough food as it is.
Then he layed down in his bed and shut his eyes while I just stood there!
I'm like, "umm..I feel really dumb just standing here"
What the heck?
So I kept asking him if he was going to bed and he was like, "I think so..."
So I said goodnight and went back out into the lougne.
I went to see if his light was on under his door 30 minutes later and sure enough they were.
It was so obvious that he wasn't really going to bed, that he just didn't want to see me.
My goodness, he could of just told me that he wanted to be alone rather than just try to play it off and ignore me!!
I'm so hurt right now.
My mom called this morning and I started crying over the phone.
I don't want to be annoying to anyone and apparently Steve finds me annoying or something.
I hate it here, I hate it.
Boys make me so sad.
I really don't think I will ever have a boyfriend.
My goodness, it should have happened by now!
I'm 20 freaking years old!!
I got my first kiss in college, that is so lame.
I feel so lame, so immature.
I can't see any guy truly loving me.

Sometimes I just wish I was a little kid again, you know?
No worries about having a boyfriend, or falling in love, or if I'm pretty or thin enough.
I just played Barbies then and hung out with friends and rode bikes.
It was the best of times.
Never wish your childhood away, cause you never really get it back.

I just want to make someone happy.
I'm gonna go lay down.

~Peace Out~ Liz