A New Hope

Hey,
Wow, the last couple nights have been rough.
I thought Steve liked this girl named Mary that lives on the floor above us cause they have been hanging out really late for the last 5 nights in a row.
Two nights ago they started cuddling right when I was in the room and I just cried my eyes out.
I was sitting on Rich's bed and he was there to comfort me.
So I didn't get to bed till 5:30am and went I went back to my room I cried for a good half hour.
I woke up shaking that morning.

So yesterday I talked to Steve and he said that he didn't see himself with a girl like that and such.
I told him how I really felt about him and that I still had feelings for him.
I knew that he didn't like me that way so that was no surprise when he told me that he didn't.
I told him that I am trying to get over him but it was going to take time.

I also said that I am interested in somebody but deep down those feelings for him are still there.
It was hard to hear him say that he didn't have feelings like that for me but in the same sense it also makes it easier for me to move on.
Because I do want to move on, I'm just not sure how to.

My 2:00-4:30 was canceled yesterday and I really wanted to talk to Ryan.
Ryan and I talked for a long time and he was just so encouraging.
He said that he had never met a girl like me and that I'm so different from so many girls.
He said I had a natural beauty and that I didn't have to do anything to be beautiful, I just am.
What touched me the most was that he said I was beautiful both inside and out.
Most people don't see that, and I wish they would go beyond how I look.
He told me that not many girls have the type of standards that I do and that I am a truly sincere person.
I told him how I really feel about myself though and it wasn't easy.
Cause deep down I hate myself.
My inward self-esteem is extremely low.
I feel like I have to be perfect and please everybody.
I so sick of being unhappy.
I want to like myself.
I'm so thankful that he was there to talk to because he kind of lit the light back up that was burning low in my heart.
He made me think things over and begin to see things in a different light.
Thank you Ryan for caring.

Today I figured out why I haven't been in a relationship, ever...and its because I don't like myself inside.
I'm thinking about going to see a counselor on a weekly basis.
Its nice to talk to friends but I think some professional help might do me some good.

So here is the game plan.
I need help getting over Steve and viewing him only as a friend and I truly want to love myself.

I've been thinking alot about God too and how much I shut him out.
It seems like things have been worse since I've been away...its time to run back.
I read my Bible tonight and it gave me a new hope.

It suddenly occured to me today..
I do love Steve, in the friend way.
But now I'm starting to see that I could never be with him, even if he did like me.
We don't share the same standards, the same goals.
And even though he is an amazing person he is not truly want I want in a spouse.
I think I became so attached to him because he was my first kiss, the first guy that ever really acted like he wanted to be with me.
I just need to brush that aside.
These feelings will go away eventually, I just need to give it time.

I guess I've taken the first step in changing.
Why did it take me so long to figure out what I was doing wrong?

~Peace Out~ Liz