I wish I could understand boys........

Well, hey there, I'm Liz. I'm new here but I bet you already figured that out. I'm a 18 year old chick that just started college this year. I think I like it but life is hard all by yourself. You know? Well, I just want to say that boys are offically dumb so its a must to throw rocks at them! hehe..ok, I know that isn't nice but it would be truly fun and entertaining. I will definentely have to tell you everything that happened while I have been here. First I will start off telling you about Steve.... Well, here is goes......The first week of school I had my eye on this super cute guy, named Tony and I ended up meeting him (I never thought that I would). But it just so happened that we had classes together. Well, the next day I met his room-mate/friend Steve after a night-time volleyball game. Me and Steve have so much in common! But for the next couple weeks I was head over heels with Tony. He stayed up really late with me one night talking and he hugged me goodnight. What was really strange was that the next week I really started getting into Steve and I knew he liked me too. So we watched a movie one night and he started to get all snuggly. So for like the next week we snuggled just about every night and it was such a good feeling, sometime I had never felt before. So, one night I knew he was trying to kiss me and I didn't know if I wanted him to so I moved away when he tried. The next night he tried again and I let him. I am so mad at myself because I kinda got alll nervous, it being my first kiss and all. I kept telling him that I couldt do it and he kept asking me why. So I had to tell him that I had never been kissed and make a fool out of myself. It was so horrible. He kept trying to make out and it felt so weird. I went back to my dorm room at about 5:00 in the morning and I was shaking all over. I know it sounds dumb but I felt so weird. The next day was strange because I kept thinking about the night before. Me and Steve hung out and he came over to my room and layed on my bed. I went up there (top bunk) and I layed next to him for awhile. Then Katie (his ex-girlfriend) called and he said that he had to go. Before he was about to leave he said "Liz, I think we should just be friends". My heart dropped to the floor and smashed into a million pieces. I told him that we had to talk so we both sat down and talked for about 30 min. and he said that he still had feelings for Katie and that he didn't think that I was ready to be in a relationship. He told me that I acted different that day, I wasn't the same. I don't know what he meant because I seriously thought that I acted the same.....hmmm......So I cried my eyes out right in front of him and he didn't know what to do. He kept saying what a jerk he was and what he did to me did make him a jerk for the time being. I know this is dumb but the next week we started to cuddle again and we ended up making out 3 times that week. The day after the last time we did he said that we had to stop because he still had strong feelings for Katie even though he still had feelings for me. Well, him and Katie went back out for awhile. But it didn't last. In fact, they broke up a couple of weeks ago and guess what? I think he is back into me again. But it truly doesn't matter cause he broke my heart. How do I know that he won't do it again? I knew him and Katie weren't going to last, he just put himself into heartbreak with her... I was so upset for a long time but now we are just good friends. I'm still lonely though...you know? Being single all your life isn't exactly happy times. Well, desiring a boyfriend has been going on since who knows when....prolly since 9th grade. The truth is that I have never even had a boyfriend. 18 years and forever single, that what it feels like. Actually, I can't figure out why I can't get one. Its either the fact that guys are insecure to ask me out, I can't find a Christian guy, or that God just feels like making me wait for an eternity..... Life sucks sometimes....... Well, I'm pretty tired...tell you more about myself and my life later. Peace Out ~Liz~

Feeling like hmm...C-R-A-P

Today was pretty boring, yeah, thats about it..boring.
I got out of bed between 10:00am and 11:00am. I don't remember.
It was the first time I have missed church in awhile.
Well, Cassy, my room-mate, wasn't here to take us so therefore I couldn't go. She has a car so she takes us every Sunday. Cool huh? I like the chruch we are going to too. They have a big youth group, which in fact rocks my socks off.
Anywho, I got up, took a shower, then I watched television while eating a little bit of dry cereal. Yummy...
At 1:00pm I went back into my bed and fell asleep and I didn't get up till 4:00pm. That was actually weird for me cause I never sleep during the daytime.. hmm...maybe depression is sinking in a bit..

After I got up I ate an apple and at 5:30pm I actually went to dinner and had some rice, fruit, and spaghetti.
I didn't eat very much at all and I was full...hmm..whats that about?
I didn't eat very much at all today as a matter of fact which is not normol for me. Man, hopefully I'll lose all this ugly fat I'm carrying around. Sure, I'm not fat at all but what I wouldn't give to fit into a size 3 jeans...

Anyway, enough about food and weight..onto how I am feeling.
It feels like all those feelings for Steve are coming back again. So I have to think of a way to make them all go away. It sucks so bad.
Yesterday I called my mom and told her how lonely I was. I almost started to cry right over the phone. I told her how bad I wanted a boyfriend and how worried I was about not having money.
Then I told her I was sorry for throwing all my problems onto her.
I cried when I got off the phone.
I know I need to pray and read my bible but it seems so hard right now.
I know its the answer and I'm pushing it all away.
God, please help me....................
Its seems so simple to follow God and put all your trust into him but it isn't that easy.
I wish I could get through all of this with a snap of my fingers, I wish everything would just go away, all the problems, all the stress, all the worries.
But they are there, all of them, staring me in the face, eating me away, slowly.
When I truly think about growing up it scares me to death. I wonder how I will be sucessful and live life to the fullest. I honestly wonder what I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now.
How can I fullfill the pages of my life now, without leaving any out?
I should be focusing on God.
Yes, I think about God, and say little things to him. Like thank him and such. Does that count as spending time with him? I mean, sure, I haven't been reading my bible or praying and I know that is a bad thing. But I think God remembers the little things too, like when we think about him throughout the day. I don't know, life is so hard. Being a Christian seems so hard. I wish it was an easier road, but I guess thats the whole point, the road wasn't meant to be easy. Thats why so many choose the easy road, because they don't want to face something that will take lots of strength to get through. If only they knew that the reward is great....either that or they fail to believe it.

I remember I used to think about killing myself alot in highschool. I actually used to scream to my mom that I wanted to die. I thought about suicide but I never told anyone.
But its so diffirent now, I don't want to die anymore. I just want to get through these trials. I want to get out of this state of singleness. I want God's best for me. But do I truly? I know I have to get closer to him. But how? I know how to, I just have to do it, give him my all, my 100% trust and knowing that everything is going to be alright.
Sigh............
Well, I should probably go to bed cause I am pretty tired.
Peace Out
~Liz~