Sigh... I'm sorry Steve

So yesterday was such a bad day..for the most part.
Tuesday Steven and I spent the whole day Christmas shopping and we had a really good time.
We made plans to go to BestBuy yesterday and I told him to call me on my cell after he got out of class and he said ok.
So I waited about an hour for him to call me yesterday and low and behold no phonecall. I left him a text message and a voicemail.
So I go over to the IT building where all of his theatre friends and they say that he is supposed to be meeting them there.
What on the earth?!
So I go to his room and he is just walking out the door with his guitar in hand.
So I'm like, "where are you going and why didn't you call?"
and he says he is going to the IT building and that he doesn't have money to go to BestBuy.
and we fricken made plans!!
I was so pissed off.
So after I'm done with my final in First Aid I asked him if we could talk later so at dinner we had this super depressing talk and I cried the entire time.
He is like, "I still know you have feelings for me and all that" and i told him how much he hurt me.
He said he forgot about our plans and he forgot to call!
It was like he didn't even feel bad about it.
In less than 12 hours?!
Someone please tell me if this is lying, cause seriously.
Its not the fact that we didn't go to BestBuy. Its the fact that he couldn't even remember to call me and the fact that he made other plans!
I also brought up the whole deal about me,him and Sarah and how I can't take it anymore. There is always tension between the 3 of us because we both strive to get his attention. I have feelings for him and Sarah is an attention whore and flirts like crazy with guys.
I told him how I've tried to see him as just a friend over the last 2 and a half years but I still have feelings for him.
Once you go past a certian physical point you begin to bond with that person and thats what happened to me...and I don't know how to undo it.

I hate how all this has to happen and be talked about right before he leaves.
I didn't want to make things ackward before he left.
I don't even know the next time I will see him again and that breaks my heart.
I'm just afraid that he won't want to call me or see me anymore.
I don't know why I feel that way, maybe because I think about last summer and how he didn't even call me once, not even to break up with me.
I don't think Steven will ever read this but I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything I every did to hurt you or make things weird for you.
and that you are one of my best friends and I love you.

I called my mom yesterday and I cried my eyes out for about half an hour.
I needed to cry though, a real long, hard cry. There was a lot of stuff I needed to get out.
My parents keep telling me that I have to let go of those strings of Steve that are attached to my heart.
I know thats what I have to do but its so hard when you really really care about someone.
It will be easier with him gone but I will miss his company and friendship so much. Its going to be hard letting go of my best friend.
Things just won't be the same here.

I don't know what the future holds for me.
I just have to trust God for a man and thats not an easy thing to do.
I feel like a chapter in my life is closing and a new one will be opening with another new year.
I just wish I didn't have feelings for any guy, my life would be so less complicated....

~Liz~