Feeling like hmm...C-R-A-P

Today was pretty boring, yeah, thats about it..boring.
I got out of bed between 10:00am and 11:00am. I don't remember.
It was the first time I have missed church in awhile.
Well, Cassy, my room-mate, wasn't here to take us so therefore I couldn't go. She has a car so she takes us every Sunday. Cool huh? I like the chruch we are going to too. They have a big youth group, which in fact rocks my socks off.
Anywho, I got up, took a shower, then I watched television while eating a little bit of dry cereal. Yummy...
At 1:00pm I went back into my bed and fell asleep and I didn't get up till 4:00pm. That was actually weird for me cause I never sleep during the daytime.. hmm...maybe depression is sinking in a bit..

After I got up I ate an apple and at 5:30pm I actually went to dinner and had some rice, fruit, and spaghetti.
I didn't eat very much at all and I was full...hmm..whats that about?
I didn't eat very much at all today as a matter of fact which is not normol for me. Man, hopefully I'll lose all this ugly fat I'm carrying around. Sure, I'm not fat at all but what I wouldn't give to fit into a size 3 jeans...

Anyway, enough about food and weight..onto how I am feeling.
It feels like all those feelings for Steve are coming back again. So I have to think of a way to make them all go away. It sucks so bad.
Yesterday I called my mom and told her how lonely I was. I almost started to cry right over the phone. I told her how bad I wanted a boyfriend and how worried I was about not having money.
Then I told her I was sorry for throwing all my problems onto her.
I cried when I got off the phone.
I know I need to pray and read my bible but it seems so hard right now.
I know its the answer and I'm pushing it all away.
God, please help me....................
Its seems so simple to follow God and put all your trust into him but it isn't that easy.
I wish I could get through all of this with a snap of my fingers, I wish everything would just go away, all the problems, all the stress, all the worries.
But they are there, all of them, staring me in the face, eating me away, slowly.
When I truly think about growing up it scares me to death. I wonder how I will be sucessful and live life to the fullest. I honestly wonder what I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now.
How can I fullfill the pages of my life now, without leaving any out?
I should be focusing on God.
Yes, I think about God, and say little things to him. Like thank him and such. Does that count as spending time with him? I mean, sure, I haven't been reading my bible or praying and I know that is a bad thing. But I think God remembers the little things too, like when we think about him throughout the day. I don't know, life is so hard. Being a Christian seems so hard. I wish it was an easier road, but I guess thats the whole point, the road wasn't meant to be easy. Thats why so many choose the easy road, because they don't want to face something that will take lots of strength to get through. If only they knew that the reward is great....either that or they fail to believe it.

I remember I used to think about killing myself alot in highschool. I actually used to scream to my mom that I wanted to die. I thought about suicide but I never told anyone.
But its so diffirent now, I don't want to die anymore. I just want to get through these trials. I want to get out of this state of singleness. I want God's best for me. But do I truly? I know I have to get closer to him. But how? I know how to, I just have to do it, give him my all, my 100% trust and knowing that everything is going to be alright.
Sigh............
Well, I should probably go to bed cause I am pretty tired.
Peace Out
~Liz~