A Stellar Life in the Making

My First Fashion Blog

2010-03-03T08:23:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone! I haven't updated in awhile but I've been wanting to do a fashion blog for years now. I have finally decided to share my love and knowledge of fashion with everyone.
I'll update as soon as I get my first pictures edited :)

~Liz~

Life as we know it

2008-09-17T10:30:00.001-05:00

Hey there!

Wow....I haven't updated in that long?!
I guess life just keeps you busy at times...heh
Or laziness gets the best of me.

Where do I start?
I'm still working at Nice N'Easy. I'm a shift manager now. Its an ok job, I don't hate it, I don't love it.
I don't make enough money, still under $10/hr which sucks.
I tried selling prints of my artwork on etsy.com but I just don't have the time to devote myself to that fulltime.
Lately, I haven't been drawing like I should be. I go through phases where I am crazy motivated and others where I could care less.
I've also wanted to do something with fashion for awhile but I kind of put it on hold. Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm obsessed with fashion.
So I got inspired, for now I'm going to start customising clothes. I want to get the point where I can make my own from scratch but I can't get ahead of myself.

Yesterday I went out to Rome and Utica and bought lots of supplies. Ribbons, buttons, fabric, you name it.
I'm really excited to get started on this! I'm going to sell my custom pieces (as well as my prints) on etsy.com
You would actually be surprised at how much people will pay for custom clothing!
I'm going to model my clothing as well. I'm gonna call my line "Icespectra".
Didn't see that one coming do you? haha
But really, Icespectra has been with me for so long, I use it for everything, it really defines who I am.

This time in life is so confusing, trying to figure out what to do.
I sort of want to go back to college but I just don't see how that is a possibility anymore. I have bills now, car payment, car insurance, phone bill and college bill. I need to be able to pay for those things, most importantly the car bills. I just don't see how its possible when your in school.
If I was to go back I would probably go for fashion design and buisness.
I still want to do my art, don't get me wrong, but I want to do something with fashion too.
If God wants me to go back to school then he will make it happen.
I love this feeling of inspiration!

~Liz~

Sick

2007-01-16T13:08:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been updating.
Sunday night at work I started feeling like I had nausea just randomly out of the blue.
Mike , my friend from college, came to visit me at work.
I hadn't seen him since the end of my last semester...and that was in June 2006?
Oh man, so long ago.
He said that he couldn't believe how much weight I lost.
I felt gross those because I was wearing my ugly Nice N'Easy uniform.
He said if I wanted to hang out he would come and pick me up and drive me to Utica.
So that was pretty sweet.

Back to the sick think.
So I went home at 11 feeling awful and it just got worse from there.
So at about midnight I couldn't stand it any longer. I was in my bed tossing and turning.
I ran upstairs and threw up. Throwing up is not a common thing for me.
So I ending up waking up and throwing up every 2 hours the whole night.
Monday I literally slept the whole day.
I got up at 8pm and my whole body was very weak and sore.
I ate some chicken normal soup and drank apple juice.
I'm better today but def not back to normal.
Now James has the same thing!
I'm just glad it was over.
I don't get sick very often and when I do it sucks.
Well, off to work soon.
Boy, I can't wait.....*cough*

~Liz~

The "average" customer

2007-01-11T00:04:00.000-05:00

I've dicovered that the local customers in my area that come into Nice N' Easy are a little strange.
I'm not sure if this occurs at any job where customer service is involved or just here.

The first thing I find humorous is the fact that almost everytime I ask a customer if they would like a bag they say, "sure, if you have one"
okk...so let me get this straight...why on earth would I ask you if you wanted a bag if I didn't have any?!
Complete stupidity!
One of these days I'm just going to flat out say "no, I don't have one"
Maybe I'll do it before I leave *crosses fingers"

The second thing I notice is that most customers would not know politeness if it punched them in the face.
For example....I ask a customer "how are you doing today?" I get silence.
"is that it for today?" I get silence.
"x amount is your change, thank you and have a nice day" I get silence.
Is this my punishment for being nice?
I simply cannot understand it.

Third and not quite final, I hate how the customers expect me to work inside their time schedule.
For example, awhile back I had a woman get impatient with my coworker and I because we had to make a pizza and she had to pick her kid up in 10 min.
Now, this is confusing...why didn't the woman just come in earlier?
I can't understand why it was my fault that she was going to be late.
Its not like she called in and ordered the pizza earlier.

Sigh...

Is this the future of humanity?
I would like to hear some other stories of terrible customers.
Sometimes I just laugh at how immature so many people are.
You know, the quick roll of the eyes and the impatient huff every time a simple problem arises.
God forbid you wait 10 minutes in line to pay for your little ol' candybar!
AND these are grownups, yes, GROWNUPS.
They are out there at every job just lurking and hoping to make your day a living hell.

Hope your day was as wonderful as mine :)

~Liz~

Kid at Heart

2007-01-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

I look out the window today , low and behold, snow is actually falling from the sky.
I'm still shocked that we don't have about 5 feet gracing our lawns.
I'm used to 10 ft high snowbanks created by the guy that plows our driveway.
Those were the good ol' days.... playing out in the snow.
I kind of miss those outdoor adventures.

How quickly our ideals and thoughts change as we age.
Our teddy bear is no longer our best friend and toys can no longer speak (no offense Toy Story).
I know I still have some kid left in me. But it will never be the same again.
I guess thats ok because I'm in a new stage of my life.....ADULTHOOD.
Well, technically young adult....yet I still feel like a kid at heart.
Is it so bad that I find cartoons and comic books interesting?
I think too many people lose their childhood spunk.
They get too involved in their busy schedules and petty tasks.
Is it bad that I want to still play video games when I'm 80?
I know its not a bad thing to have responsibility and to "act your age".
But where has all the fun gone to in my former generations?
I watched a story on tv about a woman that was over 100 years old and she wanted to go sky diving.
It showed her jumping out of the plane and having the time of her life.
How awesome is that?
I want to grow old like that, having no regrets and living my life to its fullest.
Cool beans.

Soo...today has aquired the title "Boring Day #2"
All of my friends are busy and there is basically not much to do.
If I could drive I would prolly go to the mall and search through endless clothing stores.
Then again....maybe thats not such a good idea...

I decided that I actually do like my new haircut.
I got it cut and dyed last Friday.
I went dark again with red steaks.
I've never been a redhead before so this is kind of interesting.
So far I've gotten a pretty positive response.
I'm not used to it darker.
The fact that I was blondish for almost a year explains why I feel this way.

James is at work right now so I can't be graced with his lovely presence *cough*
I think I actually miss him when he isn't here..
well...most of the time, except when we get into super lame-o fights over the dumbest and most petty issues.
Gotta love my boey though ^.^

Time to go do nothing, it what I do best :)
well...maybe not best *hides in corner*

~Liz~

Red shoes rock

2007-01-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

Alrighty..... you know those days that you just wake up and everything is boring?
Yes, that was my day.

Well, all except finding a pair of bright red shoes at Rue21! I screamed in excitement as my eyes found the beautiful shoes (ladies, you can relate I'm sure).
Last week I went shopping with my mom and James (brother) and I looked everywhere for bright red pumps. Not a single pair in sight.
So today I found them and snagged the last pair off the shelf which just-s0-conviently happened to be in my size.
Ok, ok, enough about fasion talk.

So earlier I was pretty down in the dumps. My college bill came and I starting thinking about money and how much longer I am going to have to work at Nice N' Easy.
I'm so sick of working there. Yes, I am thankful for a job but at the age of 22 a gas station job is not very acceptable. Especially considering that I have an Associates Degree in Illustration (3 years at MVCC).

So there you have, crazy crazy crazy.

I'm worried about my friend Jeremiah.
He is kind of having ex-girlfriend troubles.
She won't talk to him, which is extremely childish and immature.
I feel bad, I wish I could be a better support.
Sometimes I feel like I barely know him, maybe I don't.

On a lighter note Martha and I are going shopping on Thursday.
We need to get to together before she has to go back to college.

I smell rice pudding and I want some ASAP!

Step in Life

2006-12-13T17:29:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone, I know that its been a very long time.
I graduated from MVCC with an Assocates Degree in Illustration earlier this year.
I am currently working with my brother at Nice N' Easy.
Yes, nothing impressive, I know.
On a lighter note, I finally got my permit!
WOOT WOOT!
Took me long enough eh?I got a 100% on the test and now I'm just waiting for my parents to take me out on some back roads.

I have a new friend and his name is Jeremiah. He is 26 and a Christian like myself. He is a great guy but I have no attraction to him in that kind of way. He really likes me and its kind of awkward because I just want to be friends with him.
About 2 weeks ago he called me up saying that he had a job for me.
It would be working at a TV Station updating their website on a daily basis.
The job would be 9-5 and I would have weekends off. Plus after 90 days I would get Health and Dental Insurance, and a 401k plan. AND I would be getting paid double what I currently make!Now for the scary part....I would have to get an apartment near the workplace...meaing, move away from home.
That means pay for my own bills, something that I've never done before.I mean, at the same time I am EXTREMELY excited.
This is the next big step that I know I have to take.

As for the Steve and Sarah situation, I don't talk to either of them. It hurts too much.I can't be friends with either right now. I guess they are "madly in love".I'm just trying to forget everything and move forward.
Yes, I'm sick of being single but I've come to the point where there is nothing I can do.I haven't met anyone that I want to be with forever, I know it will happen eventually......someday

Oh yes, and Annie and Cassy both got married! How exciting eh?
I better not be the last one standing alone.....More updates later.....trust me, there is a ton of them.

Back at school

2006-01-29T16:47:00.000-05:00

Ok,ok, so I've been a bad updater.I've been busy with stuff ever since I got back to school.I'm really pressing into my artwork again, which is really nice.I found my passion for it again and this time there isn't any 'distractions' (aka: steven)My classes are all good, even though I had to change a couple.I'm currently taking Professional Practices for Illustrators, Cartooning, Screenprinting, and Intro to Psychology.Yup, only 4 classes, but thats ok, its my last semester at MVCC (finally).I'm not sure what school to go to next.I really want to take more art classes!I know I should have this figured out by now but I just don't.My parents told me that they aren't going to finance the next place I go, so I'm on my own...and honestly? it scares to to DEATH.

I don't have any idea how I am going to support myself...So Erin is back on campus again, which is awesome and Marliana, Erin and I hang out all the time.Its so nice to have a group of girls to hang out with and be close to again. The last time I really had that was in highschool with Danielle and Stacey.

I haven't talked to Sarah in awhile. We are speaking to each other but we haven't really hung out since all the crap that happened.Steven called me on my birthday but that was it.I don't understand him, I don't understand why he won't call me.It feels like 3 years of friendship down the drain.I leave him IMs and text messages here and there and almost never get a response back.I just don't know what I did for him to act like I don't exist...and I know he is calling Sarah, of course, why wouldn't he?I guess she might be leaving MVCC early and go to the college that he is at.Perhaps it is something to do with the fact that they could be near each other and date.I don't know..I wish I didn't care at all.Although it has gotten better, it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it did. I think now I just want to know that Steve cares for me as a friend, just show me something that he cares at all.It hasn't been that bad at school without him, (for one I eat better, get enough sleep and I'm just overall healthier).

I just hate how all my friends have someone and its like I'm the only single one in our group.Man! When on earth am I finally going to be with someone!?Its so extremely frusterating that I can't even describe it.Its almost like I'm destined to be single forever and I just have to except it or something.Sorry for all the venting, I'm just in a bad mood right now and I feel gross and its a dreary, rainy day outside.

Poop.

~Liz~

Saying Goodbye

2006-01-02T21:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, where do I start? ..seriously
The last week of the semester was a HUGE mess.
So yeah, I believe is was on the Thursday of our last week of finals and Gary IMs me and asks me if I want to go hang out with him and Fred in the snackbar.
So yeah, I'm super bored and I can't find Steven for lunch so I go over.
..so we just hang out and talk for awhile and then I bring up the topic of Steve and Sarah.
Gary and Fred suddenly have blank stares on their faces and they are both like, "we didn't want to tell you this but we have to.."
So apparently Steve and Sarah have liked each other for about a month and had been making out in the back seat of Sarah's car. and they decided not to tell me, their own best friend...nice
Yeah, I know what you are thinking, no biggie, right?
Well, I'll have you know that Sarah knew that I am crazy about Steve and she pursued him anyway.
Now what kind of girlfriend does that?!
You don't go after the guy that your friend likes!!
..and the fact that they both knew it would hurt me and they hid it from me.
AARRRGG!!
So I was in complete shock and I went back to my room and I called my mom.
and I guess Gary and Fred drove to the resterant where the whole theatre group was having lunch and they told Sarah that I knew and that I was pissed.
So I went to Josh's room to go talk to him and after awhile I decide to leave, so I set my purse on the windowsill outside of his suite door and low and behold Steven and Sarah have just pulled into the parking lot right below the window.
So I run back inside Josh's room because I no-way-on-earth want to talk or see either of them.
So for over 3 hours I guess they waited outside of my door sitting in my suite waiting for me (according to my roommate) while I just hid in my friend's rooms the entire day.
..and they waited in his room for about another 4 hours.
So Marlaina finally convinced me to go up and talk.
So I talked to Steve for about an hour and it was so hard.
I just couldn't stop crying.
I refused to talk to Sarah (she sat in his room while we talked in his suite).
Steve kept telling me that he was sorry.
..and he said that they weren't going to date for 3 reasons:
1. because of how I feel
2. because steve isn't a christian and sarah's mom doesn't approve
3. because steve is going away to another college
Finally I left and went back down to hang with Marlaina, Mike and Josh and we watched "40 year old virgin"

The next day I went to lunch with Steven and we talked some more.
Then I finally told him that I wanted to be on good terms before we left because I didn't know when the next time I would see him would be.
So yeah, every night after that, before we left, we hungout even though I'm still hurting.
The day before we left we went to the mall to get Christmas presents for each other.
I bought him a Senses Fail shirt (hot pink and black WOOT! WOOT!), a braclet, a pin and the Gex 3 N64 game.
He got me the Punk Goes 80's cd which I have been wanting for awhile now.
So we listened to that and it was AWESOME!!
He said he wanted to get me more things but he was short on money.
It was so hard to say goodbye.
How do you say goodbye to your bestfriend..not knowing when you will see each other again?
Believe it or not I didn't cry, and I thought I was going to.
Right before we left I told him that even though I am still hurt that I forgave him and that I don't hold grudges.
So we said our "I love yous" and it was goodbye.
Oh yeah, and before he left he gave me his tiger blanket that I love so much, yay!

So I didn't talk to Sarah for about 2 weeks and we finally talked a little bit at the Christmas party at our church...that was ok.

Then yesterday we talked for awhile and cleared some things up.
I mean sure, I'm still hurt but life goes on.
It will take some time before I can trust her again. you know?

I turned 21 on New Year's Eve and Steven finally called me and we talked for awhile.
It was nice and I miss him so much.

So yeah, I hate how I had to deal with all that crap but at least I don't have to anymore.
Next semester is going to be so different for me without Steven around.
I can finally move on and like other guys (hopefully!)
I think its going to be easier to let go because he won't be there.
A whole campus of guys awaits me! tehe
I'm not really looking for someone but I never know what will be right around the corner...

~Liz~

Sigh... I'm sorry Steve

2005-12-15T16:46:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was such a bad day..for the most part.
Tuesday Steven and I spent the whole day Christmas shopping and we had a really good time.
We made plans to go to BestBuy yesterday and I told him to call me on my cell after he got out of class and he said ok.
So I waited about an hour for him to call me yesterday and low and behold no phonecall. I left him a text message and a voicemail.
So I go over to the IT building where all of his theatre friends and they say that he is supposed to be meeting them there.
What on the earth?!
So I go to his room and he is just walking out the door with his guitar in hand.
So I'm like, "where are you going and why didn't you call?"
and he says he is going to the IT building and that he doesn't have money to go to BestBuy.
and we fricken made plans!!
I was so pissed off.
So after I'm done with my final in First Aid I asked him if we could talk later so at dinner we had this super depressing talk and I cried the entire time.
He is like, "I still know you have feelings for me and all that" and i told him how much he hurt me.
He said he forgot about our plans and he forgot to call!
It was like he didn't even feel bad about it.
In less than 12 hours?!
Someone please tell me if this is lying, cause seriously.
Its not the fact that we didn't go to BestBuy. Its the fact that he couldn't even remember to call me and the fact that he made other plans!
I also brought up the whole deal about me,him and Sarah and how I can't take it anymore. There is always tension between the 3 of us because we both strive to get his attention. I have feelings for him and Sarah is an attention whore and flirts like crazy with guys.
I told him how I've tried to see him as just a friend over the last 2 and a half years but I still have feelings for him.
Once you go past a certian physical point you begin to bond with that person and thats what happened to me...and I don't know how to undo it.

I hate how all this has to happen and be talked about right before he leaves.
I didn't want to make things ackward before he left.
I don't even know the next time I will see him again and that breaks my heart.
I'm just afraid that he won't want to call me or see me anymore.
I don't know why I feel that way, maybe because I think about last summer and how he didn't even call me once, not even to break up with me.
I don't think Steven will ever read this but I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything I every did to hurt you or make things weird for you.
and that you are one of my best friends and I love you.

I called my mom yesterday and I cried my eyes out for about half an hour.
I needed to cry though, a real long, hard cry. There was a lot of stuff I needed to get out.
My parents keep telling me that I have to let go of those strings of Steve that are attached to my heart.
I know thats what I have to do but its so hard when you really really care about someone.
It will be easier with him gone but I will miss his company and friendship so much. Its going to be hard letting go of my best friend.
Things just won't be the same here.

I don't know what the future holds for me.
I just have to trust God for a man and thats not an easy thing to do.
I feel like a chapter in my life is closing and a new one will be opening with another new year.
I just wish I didn't have feelings for any guy, my life would be so less complicated....

~Liz~

Matchbook Romance show

2005-11-22T18:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, so Sunday night Steven, Gordo, Bret and I all went to Syracuse to go see Armor For Sleep and Matchbook Romance play at Club Tundra.
I def have to go to more shows with Steven now. I should of went to The Early November show last year with him and I regret not going.
Gatsby's American Dream opened for them and they were amazing! (I got the cd of $5 afterwards. Then LoveDrug played and I didn't like them so much.
Armor For Sleep and Matchbook Romance were amazing.
It was such a good show. Steven went into the pit and moshed....I didn't really have the guts to. I was too afraid of getting kicked in the face by the crowd surfers. He was soaked in sweat afterwards (haha, no surprise there).
Then we stayed up wicked late when we got back and watched CKY.
We could barely hear anything because our ears were still ringing like crazy.
Steven got tickets for us on Friday and they ended up being $20, but it was so worth it.

In an hour I am going home for Thanksgiving break and I can't wait.
I really miss my family, enough though its nice here.

Last night Steven, Bret and me stayed up wicked late..as usual.
Steven was tickling me like crazy, until it hurt.
Then he took away my shoe and through it in the elevator. haha, so I had to wait until it came back up. Oh geez, he is so cute.
At 2 am we went to McDonalds and when we got back we watched Old School.

I'm making Steven cookies this week cause they are his favorite. I'm sure he will share with Bret too. I have to catch up with friends from home this week.
Its been too long.
Update more later.

~Liz~

Hmmm....

2005-10-29T17:31:00.000-05:00

I just want to know? Do things ever really get better and easier?
When do you know what your supposed to do with your life?
When do you know someone actually really cares about you?
When someone says I love you..do they really mean it?
Will life ever stop being boring...?
It just feels meaningless sometimes...life that is.
I know its not, but its just that I feel like I do the same old thing every day.
Isn't there more to life than this?
Where is the excitement?
I hate feeling alone...I'm surrounded by friends and I have a family that loves me and I seek God all the time yet I feel terribly alone.I feel like I always somehow let my friends down or annoy them...and it seems like nobody ever wants to do something different or exciting.I want to meet someone that will do exciting things with me.....like hike up a mountain, who will have a picnic with me in the park, who will build snow forts with me, who will make home videos with me..the list goes on.
I want him to make me laugh all the time, and hold me when I cry.
Where is this man?
Does he even exist?

I want someone to say that they are a better person because they knew me.
I want to change peoples lives.
I want be somebody to remember.
I want to make some kind of difference in this world.
I want to make people laugh all the time.I want to be in a band and play guitar.
I want to change.... but where do I start?

I'm sick of college, and I'm sick of home(even though I haven't been there in 2 months).I don't want to work next year..I want to go to another school...but where?
Where do I go?
What do I do?
I have no idea what direction to take next in life....and its so frusterating!

Another great day alone in the lab

2005-10-21T18:52:00.000-05:00

Hey there,
yes I need to update more, no knew news there.
I'm at work right now, I only work on Fridays, 3:00-9:00
sooooo yeah, I went to the mall with Josh last night and I bought the coolest bag ever!
Its shaped like an electric guitar and it has rhinestones and its shiny!
Ahhhhh, I love it and I have never seen anyone with it so yeah, I feel special.

Also, I dyed my hair black and blond underneath and it looks amazing!
But I have to fix it so there is more black and I want to make the blond like white blond.
I feel so pretty.
It was the first thing I ever really did daring with my hair and I really like it.

So yes, things with me and Steven are good I suppose.
He still isn't himself around me at times, maybe things will never go back to how they were.
He is leaving next semester and it going to be so weird for me here with one of my best friends gone.....but life goes on right?
I'm going to miss him like crazy and it just won't be the same here.
I love him but I have learned that I have to let him go.
We can't be together and he doesn't want to be together.
I've let go of that notion finally, and trust me, it wasn't easy.
I see it now in that if we are ever meant to be together again then it will happen in the far future and if not than God has somebody waaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more amazing in store for me.
..and you know what? thats really exciting!
I've never really been treated like a princess.
I've never really been swept off my feet.
I've never really been called beautiful everyday.
I can't wait to meet him, I really can't..and I hope I'm everything that he is looking for...

~Liz~

Gotta love shoes!

2005-07-21T02:15:00.000-05:00

Hey there,
Its amazing! I'm updating!!
You should be proud..
Well...maybe I would update more if my life just happened to be a tad more interesting? Ya know?

So work is going fine, I'm making lots of moola.
You know what I did today?
I went to the Waterloo shopping center with my mom and grandma and I gots lots and lots of stuff.
I bought 4 pairs of flip flops and one pair of shoes and 2 purses and the list goes on.
..and I only spent around $70
It was awesome..I wish I would have had more time though, seriously..
I swear, you can never have too many clothes and shoes..hahaha, ok ,ok, you can have too much.

Ok, so ya, Steven still hasn't called me!! Rar! I swear..will I even get a call this summer? LAME!
Oh well, I won't let it ruin my summer, thats for sure.
I'd would just like to hear from him..you know?

So the moon is full tonight and the moonlight is shining through my window. How romantic!
Too bad there wasn't a someone special here to share it with.
Will there ever be a someone special?
I have my doubts, things aren't looking very nice in the guy department for Liz.
I've almost given up on men, it just feels so pointless.
To even have feelings for someone just feels like a waste of time, because it never turns out good for me.
Ah well, all this talk of lonliness is just going to make me sad again.
Its hard enough as it is...

So I'll make it all better by hanging out with lots of friends right?
WRONG! I haven't seen a friend in over a week...now thats sad.
Everyone is just so busy and I'm so busy with work..man I hate it.
I feel socially drained.
What is a girl to do?
I think I need to call some people and see whats up.
I miss my friends so much...

Oh yeah! and GUESS WHAT?!
I bought a really nice digital camera so now I will be able to put pictures of me and friends in here! woo! but I have to wait until it comes in the mail which will probably will sometime next week.

You don't have any idea how excited I am!
Well, sleep time for me.

~Peace Out~ Liz

Trying to heal

2005-07-01T01:45:00.000-05:00

Hey there,
I should update more, I know I know..but I have been very busy now that I work at Walmart.
They have been giving me lots of hours but I need the money and seriously what else am I going to do with my time?

Now about the whole Steven thing.
Yeah, about 3 weeks ago he IMs me and basically says that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and how he can only see himself hurting me more than he already had.
He couldn't even call and tell me that.....how lame.
For all of you that didn't know, we basically were dating the last 2 weeks of college.
It was wonderful and everything was great and he is so foolish for letting everything go......but I can't change how he feels.
He told me he would call and he still hasn't!
I've finally come to the conclusion that he is avoiding the whole situation and that is his reason for not calling..because he is afraid that I will bring everything up.
He doesn't want to face the problem but rather dodge it.
But really, I just want to catch up on things with him.
He doesn't respond to my e-mails either.
Its so painful too, because he was one of my best friends, I really don't think I deserve this.
All I'm asking him for is friendship...I mean he said of course we would be friends, but doesn't it work both ways?
Gosh, don't think I'm running back to him in the fall either, because it isn't even worth it!
Its just so hard because I gave him my heart and I felt like he just ran it over and used me.
I'm not sure what to do now, of course I'm going on with my life.
But to be honest, this summer hasn't been very fun so far.
For the first month I was sick with something that just kept getting worse (thank God its finally gone) and now it seems like all I do is work work work. I need to see friends more, I just feel so empty. I mean, I've been praying and seeking God but I still feel lonely.
I still have the strong desire to be loved and cared by a guy.
Its painful to think that maybe Steven never cared at all.
How do you know what is real and what is pretend?
I wish life could be less confusing, but I guess thats just life.

~Liz~

Missing you :-*

2005-05-30T02:26:00.000-05:00

Hey there,
How am I going to make it through the summer?
Its already been rough and lonely.
I got to see Martha twice last week and that was nice.
I missed her, I really did.
I'm trying to find a job and its kinda frusterating...
My hair smells like smoke from the bonfire at the family picnic that I went to.
I'm not really used to that smell at all.
Wooha fun I guess.
All I can say is that I want to get out of this house!
Ethan and Liam are driving me insane!
I'm not used to having little kids around all the time, especially ones that talk back and whine all the time (...cough* Liam).
Not to mention my dad has been on my case about everything....I swear, sometimes I think I can never please my parents no matter what I do...
Anyone else feel like this?
Well, it totally sucks, thats for sure.
I wish I could get my own place, in Syracuse or something..I like it there.
But there is just no way that I could afford my own place at this point in my life...oh well, I guess I'll just have to make it through the summer and get a job as soon as I can.

So yeah, I've talked to alot of people from college online but it just isn't the same.
I miss everyone sooo much... I can't wait until fall semester begins.

I talked to Steven several times online but we haven't talked on the phone yet.
I don't know what the deal between us is.
I tried to get a clear answer but all I got was confusion.
I think he is still hurting from past relationships....I wish I could help..
I care about him so much, I wish this could be easy.
I'd like to see him this summer, I really would.
Steven, I'm missing you like crazy..... :-*

~Peace Out~ Liz

Shopping day with Steven

2005-05-22T00:54:00.000-05:00

Hey there,
Well, I'm finally home for the summer.
I can't say its very exciting to be home though.
I already miss my friends like crazy...how am I going to make it through the summer?
Well anyway, my last week at college was a blast.
On Tuesday I went to Syracuse with Cassy, Erin, Brandon and Jason (as well as the other people that will be living in the house) to look at another 'house' kinda like the one that Cassy and Brandon will be living in.
I am still very ify about the whole thing.
Yes, it would be a better environment but my heart is not there at all.
I really think that Yu needs me, she really needs a true friend. Someone to be there for her.
I heard her crying on the phone earlier in the week and it made me so sad.
I think the whole 'house' thing is a fun idea but honestly i would much rather do something like that when I am done with college.
Erin really wants to be in the house and Jason thinks otherwise.

So yeah, wed was the best day!!
Me and Steven had picked up our paychecks on Tuesday so on wed we left to go to the mall a little after 2:00pm
I had sooo much fun the entire day.
He is seriously the best guy to shop with....he waited in every store while I tried on clothes and he didn't complain once.
The cashier in Aero whispered to me that he was a keeper. Awww
Going to Aeropostale was the best cause we tried on clothes at the same time and showed each other (not to mention the super deals in there).
For lunch we shared Chinese and it was sooooo good.
Then we shopped a ton more.
We planned on going to a somewhat fancy dinner together but I was still full from lunch so we went to Friendly's instead.
We got a big platter with different food on it and we shared it and for dessert Steve insisted that we get the 5 scoop icecream sundae with 3 toppings.
MMmmmmm..let me tell you, that was super yummy.
And.... after all that craziness we went to Wal-mart and got some stuff.
Yu looked sad before we left so I decided to buy her a friendship necklace and Steve bought her candy.
We gave the stuff to her when we got back and seeing her face light up was the best thing ever.
I love making people happy like that, it gives you one of the best feelings inside.

Thursday I hung out with Steve most of the day and at 6 I went to my Art Appreciation class and I gave my presentation. Shana said that I did well and that I looked like I was well-prepared, thank God!
Later that night Me, Steven, Shaun, Erin (other one), Yu, and Danielle all went to the movies and saw Star Wars 3. Woo! It was such a good movie. There were so many people there, I'm surprised that they weren't all sold out.

So Friday was a tough day. I spent most of the day with steven and packing.
After lunch Steve and I ran into Cassy and Brandon and let me tell you I have never seen Cassy more happy in my entire life.
She took me aside and basically told me that Brandon told her that he wants to marry her.
Woo! I am soooo happy for her, they are so good together.
So we sat down and talked for awhile (the 4 of us) and then we said our goodbyes to Cassy and Brandon.

So yeah, I didn't know I was going to have so much stuff when I was done packing and I'll let you all know, it barely fit in the car.
I can't believe that me and my mom got everything to fit.
Hauling everything down from the second floor wasn't much fun either.
So yeah, I finally introduced Steven to my mom.
Yes, my mom has never met Steven Tarnow in the 2 years that I have known him, crazy, I know.
I think she liked him and she said that he seemed like a nice guy.
It took me forever to say goodbye to Steven.
It was so hard to do, I'm surprised that I didn't cry.
I care about him so much, I hope we get to hang out together over the summer.
We talked about going to Myrtle beach, that would be the best.
All I can say is that he better call me lots, haha...cause I already miss him so much.

Well, here I am now, sitting at home, bored outta my mind.
I wish I was at college now, isn't that sad?
I should be glad that I'm home, but I just kinda wish I could be with all my friends again...

~Peace Out~ Liz

The Arts Festival

2005-05-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

Hey there,
Well, I was going to continue to update everyone on this week.
So the day after Steven's birthday me and Steve planned to go to the mall after we got our paychecks at 2.
So I skipped my class and we had so much fun.
Steve got a new pair of DVS shoes which are super stellar (he got them for $40) and I got a cool green shirt.
I got to work just in time at 6pm, which was good.

Wed night Rob came up again and at 3 in the morning me, steve, riki, marissa, yu, jorden and rob all went to Denny's.
We didn't end up going to bed until about 6 or 7 in the morning.
Geez, I need to get more sleep.
So yesterday when I woke up my stomach really hurt.
I hardly ate anything all day, everyone else that ate complained about their stomach hurting too....so what does that tell us?
That Denny's is evil!!!

So I went to my class at 2 but I left early cause my stomach hurt.
So I helped Steve, Rob, Riki, Shaun and Marissa take all the equipment down to the IT theater.
So I watched them set up and practice, because they were going to perform first at the Arts Festival.
Me, Marliana and Mike all sat right up front and had awesome seats.
There weren't a whole lot of people there but it was so awesome.
Steve, Rob, Shaun and Riki did such an awesome job.
It was very cool.
Marissa did a solo song and she was amazing.
I love her voice!
Steve performed acoustic later, after some other people performed and he did really well.
I was so proud of him.
I love it when he sings...
He had to leave at 7 because he had work.
So all the rest of us went to the Night Hawk at 8 because we all missed dinner at 7.
But yeah, Rob left after Steven got out of work.
I didn't end up going to bed until 5 and now I am totally feeling it.

So yeah, there is my fun, exciting week in a nutshell.
What am I going to do when I go home? seriously though....
Speaking of which, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow and I can't wait.
I'm not sure how to get it done though.
I can't wait to see my family.
I miss them all so much...

I'm am super duper hungry right now...I hope Josh comes soon and brings me a sandwich..that would be amazing..
I'm gonna go back to doing nothing at all..

~Peace Out~ Liz

Good Times

2005-05-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

Hey,
So yeah, I should be updating everyday...I know
So yeah I have so much to tell.
I didn't go home last weekend because my friend Marliana's ex-boyfriend, Rob was coming up and I really wanted to meet him.
He plays drums and he is playing with Steve, Shaun, Riki and Marissa in the Arts Festival, which is tonight!
Well last Friday he came up and I listened to them practice for awhile which was cool cause they sound wicked good and then we all went outside.
We all went down to the big blue mat which is by the track and jumped on it for awhile...it was seriously fun.
Then we all went back and stayed up till like 6 in the morning.
Then on Saturday I couldn't get anyone up but Steve and Rob but Steve had a class so me and Rob went to brunch.
It wasn't really awkward though because he is a wicked cool guy and very easy to talk to.
So we spend the entire afternoon together just hanging out and talking.
Then everyone went to dinner at 5 and we had a blast.
Its so great that I feel I can be myself now.
I really can.
Its really cool that I'm friends with everyone now and I don't feel rejected.
I think its just me opening up and not caring as much as to what people think.

Sunday I went to the place that Cassy and Brandon are going to live next year.
It looks like a cool place and the people we met there are really cool.
I'm so confused in the whole matter though.
I have plans to live on campus but Cassy and Brandon really want me to live off campus with them.
My problem with this is that I don't have a car, which would mean I wouldn't ezactly get to go and come back when I want to and that I would have to carry my stupid art portfolio all day.
The other thing is that I go back to my room alot (I'm always forgetting things in my room) and I wouldn't be able to do that.
The thing that bothers me the most is that the house (its actually an old convent)is put together by the catholic community. They say the place is for Catholic-Christians but I feel kinda funny about the whole Catholic thing because it is so different from what I believe.
I've been talking to my parents about it and they are kind of ify.
They want to find out my information about the Catholic church that is located next to the house.
I'm going to talk about it with them and my pastor when I go home with weekend.
I gotta keep praying about it too.

But yeah, I was the first one to wish Steven a Happy Birthday.
We were in the basement study room (he was doing hw) and I turned to him and said, "you know what? happy 21st birhday steven!"
then shaun came in and I told him it was Steve's birthday and he was like, "Happy Birthday! was I the first?", so i said "nope, that was me" ..and shaun justs looks and the floor and sighs...haha
So yeah, Steve had dinner with his family and later that night when i got out of my class steve and I spent at least 2 hours in Wal-mart which was actually really fun.
Then we hung out and it was fun :)

Well, I'll update more later..gotta go to class now

~Peace Out~ Liz

Nothing to do

2005-04-24T22:08:00.000-05:00

Hey there,
Today was so boring......I can't even begin to tell you..
I just sat around and listened to music and such.
The weather was dreary too so that didn't help.

I went to bed kind of early last night because there was nothing to do.
Steven, Ricki, Marissa and Shaun all left yesterday around 7pm to go to Ricki's house and practice and record the songs they will be doing for the arts festival which is in May.
They are gonna do such a great job, I know it.
Marissa will even be singing, and she has such an amazing voice.
They still haven't gotten back yet and I'm not sure when they will.
I figure I'm going to go to bed early.
Why stay up and wait?
I highly doubt that Steven wants to see me anyway.
He never acts like he does...
He acted so annoyed with me the other night.
I just felt bad being in his room.
That wasn't cool... shouldn't someone feel comfortable around their friends?
Ga!! I just want to scream, I hate this situation and I keep blaming myself for everything.
I guess I'm not cool enough or something....

But anywho, I can't wait until the summer.
I miss my family so much, I can't even begin to tell you.
I miss the twins so much. I want to take them outside and play with them.
They are soooo cute.

I'm going home next weekend.
Sister Debbie is having a baby shower and I'm gonna go with my mom.
I want to get a haircut so bad!
I'm gonna color my hair darker too.
I'll look stellar for sure.

Woo! The new Acceptance cd comes out in 2 days and I can't wait! I've been waiting for that cd for awhile now.
I listened to the E-card and it sounded amazing.
Hopefully it will be in stock when I actually get to a store...

Well, I might go listen to music or go study or something.
Then I think I'm off to bed for the night.
Fill ya in later.

~Lots of Love~ Liz

Doing better

2005-04-15T02:30:00.000-05:00

Hey there,

Woo! I feel so happy.
I've just been waking up every morning, thanking God that I'm alive and breathing.
I'm gonna try to have a positive attitude no matter how difficult the situation.
The situation with Steven hasn't really changed.
Sometimes I really don't think he cares about our friendship.
He has been going up to Marissa's room constantly and we haven't really 'hung out' in over a week.
Everytime I see him lately its like he doesn't even really want to see me..and that hurts.
Cause we were best friends, and now it doesn't really feel that way.
I talked to him today after he got out of work and he looked so bummed out.
He said something obnoxious so I threw my sunglasses at him and he looked super pissed.
So I told him to lighten up.
He said he was having a crappy day and I felt bad and told him I was sorry.
I'm just not gonna worry about Steven that much anymore cause I'm doing my part of the friendship, its up to him to show whether he cares or not.
I don't want to play this silly game forever.
I still care about him, I always will.
He will always have a place in my heart and I will always love him as a friend.
But friendships work both ways, its just feels like I'm the only one trying sometimes....

But anyway...

I went to see Cassy tonight and it was awesome to catch up on stuff with her.
She is such an amazing friend.
I am so happy for her and Brandon.

I'm really gonna try my best not to focus on being single right now, cause that just brings me down.
I'm gonna focus on building my friendships and doing my schoolwork, it will keep my mind off things I can't have right now.

Well, I gotta go do some homework then its off to bed for me!

~Peace Out~ Liz

Am I that bad?

2005-04-04T10:50:00.000-05:00

Hey there.
My weekend sucked!
I think it was the most boring weekend I've ever had.
Steve didn't want to hang out Saturday night cause I think he just wanted some alone time, so I just sat around and did nothing for hours.

Yesterday I cried alot.
I cried because I'm lonely.
I cried because of Steve.
(why does Steven Tarnow have to make me so happy one day and dissapointed in myself the next!!!??)
I cried because I can't stand myself sometimes.
I cried because I wish I felt special.
I cried.
I needed to get everything out.

I feel like their is this huge burden on my shoulders.
I feel sooooo unhappy, just cause I want to be with someone.
Dude, why does it have to hurt so badly?
You can tell someone that they don't need a boyfriend or a girlfriend but that doesn't take away the pain.
They are still gonna want to be with someone.

I've been trying to do homework but I can't concentrate....
My head feels like its spinning.

I'm so happy for Cassy.
She is truly being blessed right now and all her hard waiting is paying off. Its so nice to see her happy again.
I remember seeing her months ago when she was super stressed out and looked sick.
I'm so proud of her and I love her dearly.

You know what?
Despite how I'm feeling, I do feel pretty today.
My hair looks stellar and I feel kinda thin.
Its just nice to feel that way sometimes.

So yeah, I haven't talked to Steven today.
I thought maybe its for the best.
I think he is getting sick of me and I don't want to annoy him.
Crap, I don't know what to do....

I wish there was a place I could go to escape from everything, just for one day.
Just breathe in fresh air and think about things, you know, really think about things.
And I could talk to God about everything and anything.
But I can't be alone here at college, and i can't be alone at home.
So I guess for now, I could just be alone in my mind....just me and God.

~Liz~

Hating this!

2005-04-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

Hey,

Ok, ok, I said I would tell you about the American Idol contest.
Well my friend Erin sang and she did an amazing job, so she won first place.
Cassy was supposed to sing while Steve played guitar but she got too nervous so she decided not too.
After all the people that had signed up went several people started pointing to Steve and asking him to perform.
So he finally agreed and went up to the front.
He just made up most of the song on the spot and he did pretty good.
Afterwards they announced that he won 4th place!
Woo, I knew he would win something.
He kept telling me how bad he did and how nervous he was but I thought he did a good job.
Yesterday he gave his prize to Cassy, that was really nice of him.

So anywho, last night me and Steve were gonna order Chinese food but we couldn't find any menus.
So we went over to Butterfield and decided to go visit Cassy.
We ran into somebody that told us that she was in Brandon's room.
So we went in there for awhile and hung out.
Then we starting talking about God and the Bible.
It was weird talking about everything in front of Steve but you know what? I didn't care.
So after awhile we left to go order some food.
So we had like 10 left while we were going over the menu in his room and then suddenly Marissa walks in.
She asked us if we wanted to go to Denny's and I said I had been there the last 2 nights in a row.
Then Marissa got this really angry look on her face and ran out and of course Steve went and chased after her.
By the time he finally came back (which was over 5 min of me just sitting there by myself)it was already too late to order any food.
I think he did it on purpose cause he wanted to go to Denny's.
So then 2 minutes later Marissa calls his cell phone and then he tells her that I don't want to go.
So they get off the phone and he is like, "I'm going to Denny's"
Then he kept asking me to go with them.
I didn't really want to go but I decided to, so I went and got my coat then I sat down in the lounge and waited while everybody upstairs hung out and talked for like 15 mintues.
Then Steve came back down on second floor and I asked him if they were still going to Denny's.
He said that he didn't know and he thought he was going to order pizza instead.
So he went to his room and ordered.
Ten minutes later everyone comes down to second floor and Marissa is like, "Steven, you not gonna come!?"
She looked really upset and I felt super bad.
So then everyone left and Steve was just kinda sitting there looking bummed out.
So of course its all my fault.
Gosh, he could of went!
So we are just sitting there and I'm trying to make conversation but he isn't saying much of anything and then he layed down and shut his eyes.
So I got up and left and then came back.
So when the pizza finally came we both had some.
I gave him some extra money for the pizza just cause he buys me enough food as it is.
Then he layed down in his bed and shut his eyes while I just stood there!
I'm like, "umm..I feel really dumb just standing here"
What the heck?
So I kept asking him if he was going to bed and he was like, "I think so..."
So I said goodnight and went back out into the lougne.
I went to see if his light was on under his door 30 minutes later and sure enough they were.
It was so obvious that he wasn't really going to bed, that he just didn't want to see me.
My goodness, he could of just told me that he wanted to be alone rather than just try to play it off and ignore me!!
I'm so hurt right now.
My mom called this morning and I started crying over the phone.
I don't want to be annoying to anyone and apparently Steve finds me annoying or something.
I hate it here, I hate it.
Boys make me so sad.
I really don't think I will ever have a boyfriend.
My goodness, it should have happened by now!
I'm 20 freaking years old!!
I got my first kiss in college, that is so lame.
I feel so lame, so immature.
I can't see any guy truly loving me.

Sometimes I just wish I was a little kid again, you know?
No worries about having a boyfriend, or falling in love, or if I'm pretty or thin enough.
I just played Barbies then and hung out with friends and rode bikes.
It was the best of times.
Never wish your childhood away, cause you never really get it back.

I just want to make someone happy.
I'm gonna go lay down.

~Peace Out~ Liz

Pissed

2005-03-01T21:01:00.000-05:00

Hey there.
So yeah, I'm here sitting at work.
Nobody is here but me.
I know I haven't updated in awhile.
I guess I just didn't feel like it..
I'm super angry.
I asked Steve to go to dinner with me and when we get there he sits down with a bunch of his friends and I don't really mind that much.
Then he doesn't even talk to me the entire time.
I felt completely stupid sitting there not saying a word, sitting with a bunch of people that I barely know.
So about 5 minutes later I get up and steve asks me if I'm gonna go to another table and I said "no, i'm going back to the dorms".
so he has this sad face and I tell him that i'll see him later.
gar...i swear, hardly anybody on this planet really cares about me.
I think Steve picks on me so much because he wants to see my reaction. He gets a goog laugh at seeing how angry I get at him.
He even admitted to doing that last semester.
What kind of a friend does that?
Earlier today he told me I was CHEAP because I wanted to win an IPOD.
Umm...ok
How does that make me cheap?
Then he said he was just kidding....whatever Steven....
I HATE being treated like this.
One day he will be this super sweet guy that I adore and the next day he will be this super jerk and I feel like punching him.
Seriously now, it just isn't fair.
But life isn't fair now is it?

I'm sick of my major.....illustration.
I hate drawing now, I completely suck...I know people tell me otherwise but compared to professionals I truly suck.
I honestly can't see myself getting any better.
I try drawing and everything just comes out looking like crap.
It makes me sad because it has really made me wonder what on earth I am doing here at MVCC....
Am I wasting 3 years of my life?
I have no idea what to do with my life.
My friends say to take it one day at a time.
It gets old doing that, its scary to think that I might not ever really get anywhere in life.
What on earth am I going to do after I graduate?
Go to another stupid school with not really any goals?!!
Geez..i'm so stupid.
I'm indecisive and loud and annoying.
I feel like a stupid emo girl right now.
I'm sorry that I'm complaning and venting but I guess that is what this journal thing is for.

I'm sick of feeling inferior...I don't like feeling that way.
I was doing so good and lately it just feels like everything is crashing down.
I just want to know that I have some kind of purpose in life.
That I mean something to somebody.

I'm gonna go read or something...

~Peace Out~ Liz

Bored..and cold

2005-02-21T01:19:00.000-05:00

I hate it here.
I feel so alone, and I can't stand it.
My room is freezing because no heat is coming out of the heaters.
I'm sitting here in my dorm room with my winter jacket on.
How terribly sad...
I'm trying to decide if I should go to bed early or not.

So I went iceskating today with Steve, and Danielle, and Yu, and Erin, and Jason and a whole bunch of other people that live on campus.
We rode a bus there and it was fun.
The school made us lunches and it was cool.
The only thing I hated was that there were too many little kids there and they were in the way.
Yu skated really well for it being her first time on the ice.

I wish I wasn't so prude...ok maybe I'm not prude..but I feel prude.
The last person I kissed was Steven..and that was last year after spring break.
..and I feel dumb, cause I'm still a virgin and all..I feel so weird.
Everybody talks about how great sex is and I hate it.
I think that people don't think I want sex or something.
But actually I've been wanting to have sex for a long time now.
Gosh, I can't wait....well ok, I've already waited 20 years so lets just say that I'm excited about it.
But at the same time I'm thinking I would probably be very nervous...but I'm sure everybody is their first time.
You know?
Its just been so long since I've been kissed and I need some physical contact.
I don't want it to be with just some random boy though.
I'm just not like that, I'm not that kind of girl.
I want to cuddle, I miss cuddling so bad.
Its the best feeling...to have someone hold you in their arms.
(sigh)
I've been feeling really depressed lately.
Its hard being all alone.
I suppose things will get better.
Hopefully....

Well, I might go to bed now.
I'm bored outta my mind.
..and obviously none of my friends will be coming over..

BIG SURPRIZE! ...they NEVER do..

Peace Out ~Liz~

All Alone

2005-02-17T23:54:00.000-05:00

Hey there,
Yay! My dad got my internet to work in my dorm room....that makes me happy.
Valentine's Day was alright I guess.
I really wasn't that upset.
I gave cards to alot of friends and I made cookies for all my guy buddies.
Deep down there was still that desire to spend that day with someone amazing.....
..I'm not sure if I will ever spend a Valentine's Day with someone...
I hate it..I really do..

I just got out of class (Art Appreciation) and that test wasn't fun.
I should have studied more...
Before class I saw a girl I went to highschool with (one of my best friend's sister) and she obviously was now dating a guy that I had seen her with last year.
They kept on kissing and hugging close while they were sitting down and it was totally killing me and making me extremely jealous.
Dude, I need physical contact!
I'm 20 years old and my hormones are raging...this so isn't cool..
What is wrong with me!?? Seriously..I just don't know.
I saw the most gorgeous guy today...in fact, I keep seeing him.
Maybe its a sign..prolly not though
I wanna talk to him, but what do I say?
"Hello, I'm Liz"
ha, no

So now I just want to cry.
I just want to crawl into a hole and cry my eyes out.
Yes, I am thankful for all my friends but I need somebody closer.
You can have all the friends in the world and still be lonely.
I want to be in love so bad.
I feel so sad..so empty.
I keep praying for this guy..and he is out there somewhere..I think
I just don't know anymore.

And Steve has been a jerk lately.
Never comes to see me ever and I think he really likes Marissa.
Not like there is anything wrong with him liking Marissa...I just wish I knew that he wanted to hang out with me too..considering we are good friends..
'sigh'..I just don't get it

I miss home, I miss my family.
I just wish my mom was here. To just hold me while I cry.
I'm trying to look on the bright side, really I am.
I'll be ok...

I'll update more while I'm working On Friday afternoon.

Peace Out ~Liz~

Hey look, I'm at work now

2005-02-04T18:00:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone.
No, I still do not have the internet in my dorm room computer.
Actually I'm at work right now, you heard me...I have a job.
I work at the art computer lab in the AB building as a lab monitor.
Today will be crazy..I have to be in here from 3 until 9
KILLER! I know, but basically its like I'm getting paid to sit here and go on the computer and watch people.
Ha, cool job...I know.

So college has been good so far this semester.
I've made alot of new friends and thats cool.
Annie has a new roommate (again, ha) and her name is Yu (spelling?) and she is from Japan.
She is like the cutest thing I swear!
She is so nice and she is very pretty.
She really wants to get better at speaking English but I guess it will just take time and practice.
I met one of her friends today.
I can't remember how to pronounce her name but she was really pretty and very nice.
She seemed to know more English than Yu.
I really enjoyed talking with them today, it was the first time I acutally really sat down and had a conversation with Japanese students.
Yay! I guess you could say I have Japanese friends now..how cool is that?

My classes are going pretty well.
Environmental Science and Art Appreciation are the worst.
They both go from 6 until 8:50.....blarg
I hate long classes because its so hard to just sit there for a couple of hours and listen to somebody talk about something that really isn't quite that interesting.
Honestly guys..it sucks.
Oh well, I only have the classes once a week so I suppose it isn't the end of the world.
My art classes are going well too.
Figure Illustration is the best...its just such a fun class.
I'm sad though because after this semester Amy, Lynsey, Flo, Alissa and Becah won't be here anymore.
They will be graduating.
I'm gonna miss them all so much.
They have become my buddies, especially Amy.
She is such a sweetheart.

I haven't had much luck with boys lately.....
And I still have the same problem as last semester....
......nobody comes and visits me in my room.
Dude! I hate it so much.
I asked Steve last night why he never comes over and he said it was mostly due to the fact that Shana makes him feel uncomfortable..
Grr....Gordo said he feels the same way.
Dude, I miss Cassy....

I am so LONELY!
Yes, I know you prolly hear this in every entry but its true!
I'm trying to wait patiently but seriously now...its just taking forever.
I haven't really had a good long cry in awhile but I kinda did last week.
I was all by myself and watching a show where this girl had this awesome boyfriend and it just made me think....."I want that...I want it so bad!". Then I just starting crying.
Why is it so painful to watch stuff like that?
Is there an amazing guy out there for me somewhere!?

Please keep me in your prayers...I really need some help dealing with feeling so alone.

Oh yeah, and Terri...I really want to call you but I can't call long distance from my dorm room.
My mom said that you sent me a letter but I haven't been home to read it yet. Miss you :)

~Peace Out~ Liz

A Fun Day at the Mall

2004-12-14T04:48:00.000-05:00

Hey,
So today I was going to wake up at 8:00am to finish my colored pencil drawing but I woke up and then fell back asleep.
So I then woke up later at 9:30......durr
I worked on my project for awhile and then I took a shower (yay for being clean!)
Then I got ready for lunch and went over and got Steven in his room.
Lunch was amazing! BLT and frenchfries baby!
MMmmmm....me and Steven were almost in heaven....almost.
So after lunch we went to the bookstore and goofed around in the clothing section.
Haha, it was awesome..I think we were scaring the guy that was looking at the sweatshirts.....
So I worked on my project for a couple more hours and I handed it in a little before 4:00pm.
The art office was closed so I just put it under Ms. Patridge's office door.
When I got back me, Steven, and Danielle all went to the mall.
Steve bought me Chinese food for dinner and it was sooo good.
Sure beats the school food..thats for sure..
Of course I had no money so I couldn't do Christmas shopping but I did get to look a little bit.
We visited Marissa in H&M because she works there and that was fun.
They have so many rocking blazers there!! :)
I need to get me some of those!
I am poor.
I need a job.
I need MONEY.
So yeah..Steven got back $160 for his books so therefore he had money.
After we left the mall we went to BestBuy and Steven got 2 movies: Dodgeball and Spiderman 2, and 3 cds: the new Further Seems Forever,the new The Used, and the new Homegrown ep.
Yay for Steve and spending $75
Oh well...it went to a good cause, better than spending it all on food I say.
After BestBuy we went to Wally World (aka: Walmart) and got some candy and drinks!
Woo!
When we got back to college, me, Steve, and Rich all watched Spiderman 2.
Mike came in towards the middle and I was so surprised that he didn't even know that there was a Spiderman 2.
How could you not know!!?

After the movie Mike left and I was sitting on Steve's bed and Steve sat down to study for a bit.
Then they shut off the lights and Steve was trying to go to sleep and he has his final exam at 8 in the morning so he is like, "I need my bed cause I'm not gonna get any sleep if you stay".
So thats understandable and I said goodnight to Steve and Rich and thus here I am sitting in my room typing this journal entry.
Wala, there you have it, my entire day in a nutshell.

I think I might actually go to bed soon.... nah, prolly not.

~Peace Out~ Liz

Saying goodbye

2004-12-11T22:38:00.000-05:00

Hey there,

So this morning Steve came over and we said goodbye to Mary before she left.
We met John and Annie at the dining hall.
It was like old times again.
Then Steve and I went over to Annie's room and hung out for awhile.
Annie used the rest of her wrapping paper and wrapped it around Steve so it looked like he had a dress on.
Haha, it was hilarious.
Then she stuck bows all over him and make him a crown made out of the same wrapping paper.
Then we took the tube that the wrapping paper was on and stuck a pom pom in it.
Then Annie took pictures..lots of pictures.
Lol...we were laughing so hard.
Steve almost looked like a princess.
Steve was gonna go swimming so he said goodbye to Annie and I walked back over to Penfield building with him while he was still wearing the wrapping paper dress and crown and 'wand'.
The entire way there Steve was shouting "Its Christmas! Its Christmas!" in this freaking hilarious little kid voice.
Haha, good times.
Somebody saw us and gave Steve a dirty look, it was so great.

So after Steve went to swim I went back over to Annie's to say goodbye.
Aw, I will miss you Annie Bear.

So basically I did nothing really all day..but sit around and eat here and there.
Thats ok, i guess though because I'm done with classes and all.
I miss people already...and I have to endure a month?

Gosh, where does the time go?
Seriously...

I have to go do laundry soon....maybe Steve will go to the basement with me, seeing as to the fact that I don't like being alone down there..

I'll be back later perhaps.
Miss you Jenn!

~Peace Out~ Liz

Recycled Percussion

2004-12-01T15:14:00.000-05:00

Hey,

Monday night was awesome!
Audrey IMed me and told me that she was coming up to visit. So we planned on going to watch this 'band' called Recycled Percussion which was playing in the IT building theater on campus.
I went and got Steve 20 minutes before it started at 8 and he agreed to go.
Steve and I sat next to Annie and Kerry (they saved us seats) and Audrey and our friend John were sitting in front of us.
Recycled Percussion was awesome!
It consisted of 4 members (1 was a DJ).
2 were extremely hott, especially the one with the black spikey hair (mmmmm).
What they basically did was drumming on old recycled materials such as buckets and such.
Later they did beat boxing!
It was soooooo cool.
I couldn't believe how talented they all were.
Check out the website www.recycledpercussion.com
Justin is my favorite
So afterwards I shook hands with all of them and told them what an awesome show they put on.
Steve, Audrey, John and I all hung around afterwards in the IT building and the band was still hanging around.
I looked over and Justin had taken his shirt off.
Geez he was hott.
..and he kept looking over at me! ha, I wanted to go talk to him again but ..yeah, didn't happen.
Audrey wouldn't even go say hi..but she should of.
We both had the hotts for Justin...lol
Annie was all for Ethan...and he was pretty hott too.
Ha, typical girls..right?
But anywho, these guys are amazing and I recommend anyone to go see them perform!

So afterwards, Steve, Audrey and me all went to Denny's.
It was so cool to hang out with Audrey again.
I missed her so much.
My stomach was bothering me the entire time though and that sucked hardcore.
We got back and hung out for a little bit in the dorms and then Audrey was getting tired so she left.
Then Steve and I watched tv for awhile.
I went to bed eventually....can't really remember the time exactly.

Last night I talked to Kyle and he said he won't be at camp next year!
Aww...that makes me so sad.
Its because he is going to be in Iraq.
Man, I'll be praying for him.
I was looking forward to seeing him over the summer....oh well, there is a reason for everything.

I have class at 2 and I think I'm gonna go take a quick nap.
So I'll fill ya in later.

~Peace Out~ Liz

Stress free...for at least a day

2004-10-13T01:12:00.000-05:00

Hey,
I know, I know, I haven't updated in awhile.
But there is indeed a reason.
My monitor broke last Thursday sooo...that totally sucked.
My parents are so nice, they gave me their monitor for the moment.
My mom and James (my brother) brought it up on Monday and my mom took us out to eat at Panera Bread. It was soooo good.
It was nice to be around family.
I actually really start to miss everyone from back home while I'm here.
My mom said they will just use their laptop until they get a new monitor.

So I had a weekend tragedy.
It was just a small tragedy.
I was unaware that the bookstore closed early on Friday so I went there at 4:15 and it was closed.
I needed to buy a special pen to ink my project I've been doing for Editorial Illustration.
So I called Ryan like 3 times this weekend and every time I called he wasn't home.
He has the pen that I needed so I thought he would prolly let me borrow his for the weekend.
I asked his mom to tell him to call me back but no phone call.
I was so frusterated because I couldn't work on my project until yesterday cause I didn't have the pen.
My mom took me to AC Moore and we got it for $14.00 on sale.
It was normally $25.00........yeah, I know, stupid.

So I started inking it when I got back to the school yesterday.
After dinner Steve stole a chair from the ACC building.
It was just sitting on the floor up the stairs and he grabbed it and we ran like the wind all the way back to Penfield.
So now he has a chair with wheels. Yay for Steve.
Ha, I love him.

So Steve took Annie and I to Target to see Kerry after dinner then we went to Best Buy.
I was so pissed.
They still don't have The Spill Canvas cd.
Thats the third time I've went and its not there.
This is creating a problem.
I really want that cd.
What I wanna know is why Best Buy hates me?
Ah, corporate greed of course, haha, I mean more along the lines of supply and demand.
Thats society for ya.
I told Steve that I bet a whole bunch of hungry fans cleaned the store of my desired cd.
Don't give me that look, its possible....

So I got back and worked on my project until 5 in the morning.
Low and behold it still wasn't completed.

So today in class I completely was freaking out in class.
I found out that Ryan has another friend named Liz and there was a bit of confusion there.
Oh well, it happens.
I was under so much stress that I almost started crying.
But I finished it and it looks fantastic.
How do I do it?
How do I always manage to pull it off?
It quite funny really.

So yeah, I want a boy.
Aw, its making me sad, I want one so bad.
This sucks..I hate it.
I don't know what to do to get someone to like me.
Just fill my life with other things I guess.
I need a J-O-B
Wouldn't it be nice if a job and an amazing boyfriend came in a package deal?
Ha, no pun intended.
Gotta love me.

~Peace Out~ Liz

Thoughts

2004-10-05T02:10:00.000-05:00

Hey there.
So today was boring.
Isn't that interesting....not really.
So anyway, this morning was good.
I felt so depressed when I got to class though.
I'm not sure why.
Maybe its because I'm lonely and I really want to be in an amazing relationship.

I saw Tony after class.
I miss him alot.
It was good to see him.

I talked to Annie today.
I hadn't in like 4 days.
Thats a long time.
She is excited about the wedding.
Rephrase, she is EXTREMELY excited about the wedding.
I'm so happy for her.
Her and Kerry are perfect together.
She is so blessed to have somebody that loves her wholeheartedly.
I can only hope for that someday.
Maybe it will never happen.
I don't know.
I'll never know now.
I just have to wait and see what the future brings me.
Whoever the guy is, if there is one, I can't wait to be with him.
My prince charming is out their somewhere.
It will be true love when I finally meet him.
An emo song sounds good right about now.
Haha, just kidding.

So yeah, Josh came over to my room today.
(Oh boy)
Yes that was sarcasm.
You see, I think he still likes me but I think he is getting the hint that I'm just not interested.
AT ALL.
I find him annoying now, and I can't explain it.
So he came over and immediately asked me if he could use my computer.
Of course to use AIM.
Being the nice person I am I said yes.
So yeah, 10 minutes later Shana was about to go home for the night and I wanted to do my homework out in the lounge.
So I told him I was gonna go out in the lounge.
I don't exactly trust him to be in my room alone.
So he is like, "You want me to leave?"
I basically said yes and explained why.
I felt bad but oh well.
Then about 2 hours later he comes back and the instant he walks in he asks if he can use Shana's computer.
I'm like, "I wouldn't"
So he just kinda hung around being kinda annoying for about 5 minutes and then he is like, "I'm going now"
What a weirdo.
I mean, I thought at first he kinda seemed like a nice guy cause he didn't do drugs and stuff like that.
Plus he beleives in God.
But for real, the guy can be really annoying.
I'm getting the vibe now that all he is using me and Shana for is our computers.
Geez, and I rarely have the heart to say no.
So I make the effort not to be in my room at certain times of the night.
Call me harse if you will.
I just don't want to deal with it.

So anyway,
I've been thinking about changing my major.
I don't think I could actually do it.
I mean I'm good at art and all, it just feels like it isn't my passion anymore.
I hate that feeling.
My passion is music.
I just wish that I had some music background.
Oh well, just keep praying about it i guess.
Steve told me I shouldn't switch.
Ryan said the same thing.
Other people too.
I'm not sure what to do.
I was thinking General Studies if anything.

So I actually did some homework tonight.
Wow, thats amazing.
Gotta get myself back into the habit.
Last week was bum week for me.

I'm hungry.
I wish I had some soup.
Wow, that was random.
Oh well.
Cheers for randomness.
Its what I do best....

~Peace Out~ Liz

Another Boring Day at MVCC

2004-10-02T15:11:00.000-05:00

Hey,
Yeah, so last night was kinda boring.
I fell asleep after dinner and then me and Steve hung out for a long time.
At 1 we went to McDonalds and Steve got 3 McChickens and 2 Double Cheese Burgers.
I got a small fries and a McChicken.
Stupid idiots forgot my fries so we had to go back.
Good food though, mmmmmmm.
Then I just kinda stayed up a little bit and then I went to my room.
The girl that lives next door named Reisa knocked on my door about 30 minutes later and asked me if I had a condom.
Ha, I said no.
So in about another 30 minutes I heard them banging in the room next to me.
Good times, ..heh..

So yeah, anyway, today has been completely boring so far.
Thats not unusual though so...
Steve and I are supposed to go to Best Buy today.
I really hope we end up going cause I really want The Spill Canvas cd.
I'm due for a new cd.
I have a new favorite band.
They are called Daphne Loves Derby.
I love them.
I think I'm going on an emo streak.
Straylight Run cd comes out this month and I'm excited.
I am in love with that band.
Ha, why is it that most people have never heard of the bands I like the most?
You wanna know why?
Cause people are getting sucked into the mainstream monster.
Its all good though.
I like some mainstream bands too.
So you can't exclude me entirely.
I'm not completely against the grain.
Just listen to what you like is what I say.
Music is so much more than the beats on a page.
Deep down its all about the lyrics, the part that speaks the most.
Thats why music is woven into my life and music speaks to me.

Daphne Loves Derby (one of my favorite songs)
"The Longest Story"

Far past these roads there is a place
Where all of our precious dreams remain
Someday I know
I’ll find a way
To keep myself from holding on.
Stay awake with the sound of my voice
I'm restless from the silence in the air.
I want to be somewhere I can see the roads
A place where every time you breathe a wish comes true
I want to be where love is real
And memories of distant days come to life again
Inside this room, time will stand still
As long as I'm not aware of changes
The world outside leaves me behind by myself
It shows no mercy for those who hold on.

Still awake with the sound of my voice
I’m restless for the silence in the air
I want to be somewhere I can see the roads
A place where every time you breathe a wish comes true
I want to be where love is real
And memories of distant days come to life again

Far past these roads there is a place
Where all of our precious dreams remain
Someday I know
I’ll find a way
To keep myself from holding on.

I want to be somewhere I can see the roads
A place where every time you breathe a wish comes true
I want to be where love is real
And memories of distant days come to life again

~Peace Out~ Liz

A New Hope

2004-09-18T01:06:00.000-05:00

Hey,
Wow, the last couple nights have been rough.
I thought Steve liked this girl named Mary that lives on the floor above us cause they have been hanging out really late for the last 5 nights in a row.
Two nights ago they started cuddling right when I was in the room and I just cried my eyes out.
I was sitting on Rich's bed and he was there to comfort me.
So I didn't get to bed till 5:30am and went I went back to my room I cried for a good half hour.
I woke up shaking that morning.

So yesterday I talked to Steve and he said that he didn't see himself with a girl like that and such.
I told him how I really felt about him and that I still had feelings for him.
I knew that he didn't like me that way so that was no surprise when he told me that he didn't.
I told him that I am trying to get over him but it was going to take time.

I also said that I am interested in somebody but deep down those feelings for him are still there.
It was hard to hear him say that he didn't have feelings like that for me but in the same sense it also makes it easier for me to move on.
Because I do want to move on, I'm just not sure how to.

My 2:00-4:30 was canceled yesterday and I really wanted to talk to Ryan.
Ryan and I talked for a long time and he was just so encouraging.
He said that he had never met a girl like me and that I'm so different from so many girls.
He said I had a natural beauty and that I didn't have to do anything to be beautiful, I just am.
What touched me the most was that he said I was beautiful both inside and out.
Most people don't see that, and I wish they would go beyond how I look.
He told me that not many girls have the type of standards that I do and that I am a truly sincere person.
I told him how I really feel about myself though and it wasn't easy.
Cause deep down I hate myself.
My inward self-esteem is extremely low.
I feel like I have to be perfect and please everybody.
I so sick of being unhappy.
I want to like myself.
I'm so thankful that he was there to talk to because he kind of lit the light back up that was burning low in my heart.
He made me think things over and begin to see things in a different light.
Thank you Ryan for caring.

Today I figured out why I haven't been in a relationship, ever...and its because I don't like myself inside.
I'm thinking about going to see a counselor on a weekly basis.
Its nice to talk to friends but I think some professional help might do me some good.

So here is the game plan.
I need help getting over Steve and viewing him only as a friend and I truly want to love myself.

I've been thinking alot about God too and how much I shut him out.
It seems like things have been worse since I've been away...its time to run back.
I read my Bible tonight and it gave me a new hope.

It suddenly occured to me today..
I do love Steve, in the friend way.
But now I'm starting to see that I could never be with him, even if he did like me.
We don't share the same standards, the same goals.
And even though he is an amazing person he is not truly want I want in a spouse.
I think I became so attached to him because he was my first kiss, the first guy that ever really acted like he wanted to be with me.
I just need to brush that aside.
These feelings will go away eventually, I just need to give it time.

I guess I've taken the first step in changing.
Why did it take me so long to figure out what I was doing wrong?

~Peace Out~ Liz

Wish we were together

2004-09-08T23:50:00.000-05:00

Oh I just want to dream of this forever
wish we were together
and you could bring me flowers in the rain and all this unwanted pain would never stay around for long
the shores are bringing in new tides and the sun is burning a new light
and I try with all my might but I keep falling again and again.
I hate this innocence, its so not convience
it prevents me from a love I cannot grasp
and now the sun is dying and my heart is crying
cause I see you and its not you, its me
fighting the inner demons that keep breaking free
Your eyes met mine and I just crumbled inside
and you didn't know how I felt and everything felt like a lie
I'd rather die then live this life and not know why
you never gave it a chance
its not a bittersweet romance
Your heart is telling you to run towards what is right
But you fight
and you ignore the voice inside
and you lose a lifetime
a moment
forever...
with a girl
a promise
a future

I wrote this right this very moment..and I like it.
Tell me what you think.

~Peace Out~

Review of the last couple of weeks

2004-05-18T23:49:00.000-05:00

Soooo yeah, sorry that I haven't updated in FOREVER. Its just that I was extremely busy getting essays done and studying for tests and completing projects *whew*. So anyway, I went home with Annie that weekend and we had a great time. We watched about 3 or 4 episodes of "The OC" and I swear that girl has driven me to love that show. Soo..after that me and Annie took a long walk down through her neighborhood and she told me all about what it was like for her growing up in middleschool and highschool. I had no idea what she went through. Man....but when we got back we had yummy food and we ate with Casey and Luke's (Annie friends)parents, which are also her neighbors. They were so nice and we had a blast. So when we were leaving we realized that it was pouring outside and annie is standing in the rain and she was like, "Come on Liz! Get over here!" and I'm like, "NOOOOOO!!" So then I just ran into the rain and me and annie linked arms and ran for our lives. It was so funny because we were screaming the entire time. Then I'm like, "where is your house?!" and it was hilarious because it was right across the street but because I was staring at the ground and running I couldn't see anything.
The next day I went to Annie's church which I actually liked. So that was fun and at 2:00 we went to Isha's (is that how you spell her name?) benefit for her dad that has cancer. It was cool because I got to meet alot of Annie's friends that she has back home. I finally got to meet Pat and "HOLLA" that boy it sooooooo HOTT. Mmmmm...makes me want to melt just thinking about him. But anyway......
So we got back and yeah, I got all my essays done within the following week and all that stuff. I was a nervous wreak, believe me, it was bad. I was crying alot and all that stuff.
Then it didn't help that I found out the following week that Steve messed around with this girl named Sara. I really don't want to get into that though. Not to mention I found out that this girl told one of my friends that she 'has' steve. Yeah, ok, whatever. He said he doesn't even like her like that and they are def not going out. So..why would she say that!? Grr.....I hate stupid girls...
So me and Steve were hanging out one night and Sara comes in and I felt very uncomfortable so I left the room. This was prolly between 12:00-1:00 in the morning. So they end up talking until about 6:00 in the morning! I just stayed up with my friends John and Dan. John was so sweet, he put his arms around me and he stroked my hands and did his best to calm me down, cause I was pretty upset. When Sara and John finally left me and steve were alone in the lobby and he asked me what was wrong. So I told him what was on my mind and I put my head in his lap and I just started to cry. At about 6:30 we both went to bed and I felt a little better.
A couple of nights later me and Steve hung outside really late and he told me all about his highschool years and what he was like. I learned alot that night. So he said he was gonna go to bed most likely so I said goodnight and went to my room. The next day I find out from Sam (one of my friends) that Steve stayed up almost the whole night with Sara, (they were talking and then watched a move). Ok, that kinda pissed me off cause I had been asking Steve to watch a movie with me for the past week. Not to mention he said he was gonna go to bed. So I talked to him the next day and he said it was because they had 'important' stuff to talk about. Umm..he knows very well that if I had went to his room he would of went straight to bed, but when she comes over of course he has to stay up. He said they are nothing more than friends but man, I just don't know anymore. Steve told me that if me and him had something important to talk about then he would of stayed up with me too. Ok....whatever, guess out talks aren't important...
Thursday night wa hard. Me and Annie had the biggest fight that we have had yet. It was quite bad and we both said some mean things that I know we prolly both regret. I was so mad that I was actually throwing some things, wow, not normol for the Liz..
I don't know if I really want to get into all the details. So I went to go talk to John cause I was so upset and then he bought me Chinese food. I had asked Steve to hang out earlier but he told me that Sara had asked him to hang out and she went over to his room and they ordered pizza. I still had fun though, but I was still worried about me and annie cause she was leaving on Friday. On Friday we talked some more and yeah, things have to be repaired and it will take some time, but we are both gonna bet through this. I was so happy that we left on good terms. I think we both need a summer apart to become stronger people. Next semester is gonna be better, I know it. I love you Annie Bear, and I'm gonna miss you this summer.
But anywho....Friday night I had a blast. I went to Wal-mart with Steve and Adrienne and Brandon (our friends). Steve was so sweet, he insisted that he buy me a cd. So I got the new Autopilot Off cd and he got the Name Taken's cd. I helped him pick out some hair dye, cause he asked me to help him dye his hair. We picked out Black and Red highlights. So later that night Steve put the black in and it looked awesome. Then we put the red highlights in and Steve them in Sam's hair as well. Sam's came out really cool but Steve all washed out and all that was left was a purplelish glow to his hair in the back. He was so bummed out and I felt really bad. So we went outside and hung out with friends and stuff and I asked Steve to sleep over in my room cause it was the last night and he had never slept over in my room. So past 4:00 in the morning we both finally went to my room and he was passed out within 5-10 minutes. I got ready for bed and just layed down next to him. We didn't end up getting out of bed till 10:00 and I kept telling him that he had to get up and pack. Man, that boy is hard to get out of bed! :) So I gave him a hug and told him that I would get him for lunch later.
I went upstairs to say goodbye to my friend Chris and then I went to lunch with Steve and Alex. That was def fun. After lunch I did more packing and then I went over to Steve's to return some cds and to finally give him his Valentine (haha, a little late you think?)
Then I said goodbye and it was hard. I almost started to cty. We hugged for awhile and had some laughs. Man, I'm really gonna miss him this summer, I hopes I get to talk to him a little bit at least.
But yeah, I just wanted to also say that Annie finally has a boyfriend! I'm so happy for her. His name is Kerry and they are such an adorable couple! Yay for the Annie Bear!
The big question is....WHEN WILL MY BOYFRIEND COME!!? :(
Ehhh...who knows, maybe never...
I will update you with my exciting life later.
~Peace Out~ Liz

I hate you...

2004-04-01T00:44:00.000-05:00

There is this face I see, this mouth I feed

This broken body, only broken inside, this fragile soul, this clueless mind.

I hate you, I hate you...deep down inside. Its like a disease that never goes away, that never fades. Its eats you inside out until you can't stand it anymore. Until you bleed tears and scream your fears.

I hate being lonely, a sickness only few can cure. You try to explain but nobody understands, nobody but God. He makes you wait and teaches you patience and your clock ticks away and the future is all you think about because you can't focus on the present. Most of the time you appear happy to others around you but deep down you just want to disappear. Maybe nobody will notice your gone, maybe they won't even miss your voice. It doesn't matter...its not even that your insecure or hate who you are, its the fact that nobody in this world can love you will their whole heart. You want to be the most important thing in the world to them. Without you their life is meaningless, so meaningless. Every morning when they arise the first thing they think about is you...and all they wanna do is kiss you or hear your voice.

You just wanna hold someone's hand, locked in an eternal embrace. You NEVER want to let go...ever......You just want them to wrap their arms around you and never let go, to call you theirs.

This medicine I take can't take all the pain away. Day and night I think about what could be, where I could be. Who I would be with, could be with, will be with...if it ever happens.

This is the story of a girl that dreamed big but couldn't win her biggest dream. Couldn't find him, couldn't reach him, couldn't impress him. He didn't see her, he didn't yet exist. Only in her mind did she see a vision, a picture. His face too sweet, those eyes like sapphires and emeralds, his hair like the blackest nights and the brightest moons. His smile to make her melt into jelly. Those strong arms embracing, searching for something to hold on to. That chest oh so strong, intimidating even. That voice could sing her a thousand dreamy songs in her clever ear only to find out that she isn't good enough, she isn't ready, not prepared for the future.

Someday he will meet her there, someday. When the morning sun appears before her, he will be standing there one day, gleeming. Could it be he has found his princess? Is she ready, can she go on this journey with me? Where is all the trust? I waited for you, don't give it all away. I didn't waste sweet nothings on those other girls, that what he will claim. But his heart is good, different, full of truth. He is a rare jem, one in a trillion, but he is mine, all mine. Nobody can touch him, or lust ever him, I can never hate him. He is my prince. I waited long enough! Please don't take him away. Why would he want me? He could have all those other girls, I don't understand. There must be something different about me. Can he see me for my heart and not just my beauty? He will fall in love with my soul, the beauty the never fades, the truth that reigns. Our hearts with be woven into a web of love and trust and it will never be broken, ever...

Oh sweet misery, where are you?

This story, is a true story, a fine tale indeed. It does not yet exist, but it shall, oh it shall. Whenever that day comes this princess will be ready. Perpared to take the hand or her dear Prince.

This girl is me.

~Peace out~ Liz

Oh sweet misery, where are you?

Annie's Surprize Party

2004-03-27T00:36:00.000-05:00

Hey,

Oh my goodness, last night was a blast! For weeks me and some other people (mostly Katie and Steve) had been planning a surprize birthday party for Annie. So yesterday I was excited all day. Then Annie came up to me and said we were gonna have a night to hang out, just me and her. So I agreed sortof, but I didn't want to make it look like I had plans so I said ok. So before my 6:00 class Steve gave me his cell phone so I could call him when I got back. So I gave him a ring and to his room and not everybody was there yet. So I went to go get Cassy and to talk to Annie online, (telling her that I would be over soon). But I couldn't find Cassy so I went back over and everyone was there. So Dan gave me his keys to get into the building when I came back with Annie. So I went over to Annie's and I acted like I normally do. So after a couple of minutes I suggested that we take a walk. So she was Iming people and stuff like that so I waited like 5 minutes. Then we finally got outside and I pretended to get a peice of gum, then I said that I had Steve's keys and that I should return them to him. So Annie agreed that we would go right over there. She didn't even realize that the keyring was differentm, but even if she did I was just gonna say that he got a new keyring. So we went inside and walked over to Steve's room and all the lights were off. So I knocked on the door and I asked Steve if he was in there. Then suddenly the door opened and everyone yelled "SURPRIZE" as confetti shooted up into the air. Man, if you could of seen the look on Annie's face. It was so great. I was so happy cause my plan was flawless and she didn't suspect I thing. Being the bait was fun though. So anyway, we had pizza and soda in champagne glasses and Katie made a cake. The whole room was decorated with balloons and banners. Annie got a basket of goodies from Steve and Katie and Dan, John, and Sam got her cards. Man, it was surely a great night. I hope this is one birthday that Annie will never forget.

Her birthday is actually on Monday but we didn't want her to suspect anything so we didn't to do the party earlier. She is going home this weekend so I wanna spend sometime with her before she goes home.

Something is wrong with my stomach again, it constantly hurts. Especially after I eat. Bummer...I should prolly go see a doctor.

Well, I'm gonna go get dressed. I'm so excited cause its supposed to be 67 degrees out today! I just love spring time.

~Peace Out~ Liz

I wish I could understand boys........

2003-11-22T01:42:00.000-05:00

Well, hey there, I'm Liz. I'm new here but I bet you already figured that out. I'm a 18 year old chick that just started college this year. I think I like it but life is hard all by yourself. You know? Well, I just want to say that boys are offically dumb so its a must to throw rocks at them! hehe..ok, I know that isn't nice but it would be truly fun and entertaining. I will definentely have to tell you everything that happened while I have been here. First I will start off telling you about Steve.... Well, here is goes......The first week of school I had my eye on this super cute guy, named Tony and I ended up meeting him (I never thought that I would). But it just so happened that we had classes together. Well, the next day I met his room-mate/friend Steve after a night-time volleyball game. Me and Steve have so much in common! But for the next couple weeks I was head over heels with Tony. He stayed up really late with me one night talking and he hugged me goodnight. What was really strange was that the next week I really started getting into Steve and I knew he liked me too. So we watched a movie one night and he started to get all snuggly. So for like the next week we snuggled just about every night and it was such a good feeling, sometime I had never felt before. So, one night I knew he was trying to kiss me and I didn't know if I wanted him to so I moved away when he tried. The next night he tried again and I let him. I am so mad at myself because I kinda got alll nervous, it being my first kiss and all. I kept telling him that I couldt do it and he kept asking me why. So I had to tell him that I had never been kissed and make a fool out of myself. It was so horrible. He kept trying to make out and it felt so weird. I went back to my dorm room at about 5:00 in the morning and I was shaking all over. I know it sounds dumb but I felt so weird. The next day was strange because I kept thinking about the night before. Me and Steve hung out and he came over to my room and layed on my bed. I went up there (top bunk) and I layed next to him for awhile. Then Katie (his ex-girlfriend) called and he said that he had to go. Before he was about to leave he said "Liz, I think we should just be friends". My heart dropped to the floor and smashed into a million pieces. I told him that we had to talk so we both sat down and talked for about 30 min. and he said that he still had feelings for Katie and that he didn't think that I was ready to be in a relationship. He told me that I acted different that day, I wasn't the same. I don't know what he meant because I seriously thought that I acted the same.....hmmm......So I cried my eyes out right in front of him and he didn't know what to do. He kept saying what a jerk he was and what he did to me did make him a jerk for the time being. I know this is dumb but the next week we started to cuddle again and we ended up making out 3 times that week. The day after the last time we did he said that we had to stop because he still had strong feelings for Katie even though he still had feelings for me. Well, him and Katie went back out for awhile. But it didn't last. In fact, they broke up a couple of weeks ago and guess what? I think he is back into me again. But it truly doesn't matter cause he broke my heart. How do I know that he won't do it again? I knew him and Katie weren't going to last, he just put himself into heartbreak with her... I was so upset for a long time but now we are just good friends. I'm still lonely though...you know? Being single all your life isn't exactly happy times. Well, desiring a boyfriend has been going on since who knows when....prolly since 9th grade. The truth is that I have never even had a boyfriend. 18 years and forever single, that what it feels like. Actually, I can't figure out why I can't get one. Its either the fact that guys are insecure to ask me out, I can't find a Christian guy, or that God just feels like making me wait for an eternity..... Life sucks sometimes....... Well, I'm pretty tired...tell you more about myself and my life later. Peace Out ~Liz~

Feeling like hmm...C-R-A-P

2003-10-13T01:37:00.000-05:00

Today was pretty boring, yeah, thats about it..boring.
I got out of bed between 10:00am and 11:00am. I don't remember.
It was the first time I have missed church in awhile.
Well, Cassy, my room-mate, wasn't here to take us so therefore I couldn't go. She has a car so she takes us every Sunday. Cool huh? I like the chruch we are going to too. They have a big youth group, which in fact rocks my socks off.
Anywho, I got up, took a shower, then I watched television while eating a little bit of dry cereal. Yummy...
At 1:00pm I went back into my bed and fell asleep and I didn't get up till 4:00pm. That was actually weird for me cause I never sleep during the daytime.. hmm...maybe depression is sinking in a bit..

After I got up I ate an apple and at 5:30pm I actually went to dinner and had some rice, fruit, and spaghetti.
I didn't eat very much at all and I was full...hmm..whats that about?
I didn't eat very much at all today as a matter of fact which is not normol for me. Man, hopefully I'll lose all this ugly fat I'm carrying around. Sure, I'm not fat at all but what I wouldn't give to fit into a size 3 jeans...

Anyway, enough about food and weight..onto how I am feeling.
It feels like all those feelings for Steve are coming back again. So I have to think of a way to make them all go away. It sucks so bad.
Yesterday I called my mom and told her how lonely I was. I almost started to cry right over the phone. I told her how bad I wanted a boyfriend and how worried I was about not having money.
Then I told her I was sorry for throwing all my problems onto her.
I cried when I got off the phone.
I know I need to pray and read my bible but it seems so hard right now.
I know its the answer and I'm pushing it all away.
God, please help me....................
Its seems so simple to follow God and put all your trust into him but it isn't that easy.
I wish I could get through all of this with a snap of my fingers, I wish everything would just go away, all the problems, all the stress, all the worries.
But they are there, all of them, staring me in the face, eating me away, slowly.
When I truly think about growing up it scares me to death. I wonder how I will be sucessful and live life to the fullest. I honestly wonder what I'm supposed to be doing with my life right now.
How can I fullfill the pages of my life now, without leaving any out?
I should be focusing on God.
Yes, I think about God, and say little things to him. Like thank him and such. Does that count as spending time with him? I mean, sure, I haven't been reading my bible or praying and I know that is a bad thing. But I think God remembers the little things too, like when we think about him throughout the day. I don't know, life is so hard. Being a Christian seems so hard. I wish it was an easier road, but I guess thats the whole point, the road wasn't meant to be easy. Thats why so many choose the easy road, because they don't want to face something that will take lots of strength to get through. If only they knew that the reward is great....either that or they fail to believe it.

I remember I used to think about killing myself alot in highschool. I actually used to scream to my mom that I wanted to die. I thought about suicide but I never told anyone.
But its so diffirent now, I don't want to die anymore. I just want to get through these trials. I want to get out of this state of singleness. I want God's best for me. But do I truly? I know I have to get closer to him. But how? I know how to, I just have to do it, give him my all, my 100% trust and knowing that everything is going to be alright.
Sigh............
Well, I should probably go to bed cause I am pretty tired.
Peace Out
~Liz~